THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA slightly revised!
by Angel of Music lover
Summary: Madness ensues in my version of the Phantom of the Opera! Will there ever be peace in the famous Opera House? Or will craziness still be a problem. Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey all! This is just a parody about the Phantom of the Opera. It's mostly the film version but there is the occasional scene from the play. The only thing I would advise you of is to read through the lyrics when I put them here because sometimes I change a few words or add in some actions that you might find humorous. Let me know if this isn't funny or something… **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera. But if I did I assure you there would be a different ending… :D **

_**The Auction Scene: 1919**_

Auctioneer: SOLD! bangs a hammer on his desk, Your number sir? Thank you. Now lets move on to another boring piece, Lot 663, that you will bid on. Here we have an awful poster from an equally awful play, Hannibal made by some guy named Chalumeau.

Assistant: (In a loud and slightly pompous voice) SHOWING HERE! (holds up a poster that is slightly molded from age.)

Everyone glares slightly at the Assistant.

Assistant: Hey it's my only line! I've got to make it something special! (Everyone grumbles slightly and begin to bid)

(Raoul enters the room at this time in his wheel chair.)

Raoul: Thank you Miss. Flying Nun. I can carry on from here. (Notices the older version of Meg and smiles somewhat flirtatiously at her.)

Meg: (Tries not to notice Raoul.)

Auctioneer: Lot 664! A strange and slightly creepy monkey on a barrel organ the plays an equally creepy tune. Perfect for scaring off salesmen and your monkey-phobic friends!

Assistant: SHOWING HERE! (Holds up the music box and presses some unknown button to make it play. The audience cringes but Raoul makes the first bid.)

Raoul: _'It seems that I've seen that creepy monkey before… it has some sort of attractive quality to it… _

Meg: _"Oh no! If the old fool gets a hold of that monkey he could end the world as we know it! The Phantom stored all of his hypno-beams in it!"_

(Both bid off and on until finally Meg realizes that she is out of money.)

Meg: Drat!

Raoul: Yay!

Auctioneer: Sold to the umm… well to Raoul! (Assistant hands the monkey to Raoul)

Raoul: (Suddenly feeling emotional) (singing kind of) A collector's piece indeed! Every detail exactly as she said… (suddenly begins to cough violently and doesn't finish his little solo).

Auctioneer: All right then! Lot 666 then! I don't know what happened to Lot 664 or 665 but I suppose that isn't important. A broken chandelier… (tries to think of something else to say). And um… it caused the great disaster at the Opera house… and well… (on a spur of inspiration) The Phantom of the Opera was behind it! Yes the famous Phantom!

Everyone else but Raoul and Meg: Who's that?

Auctioneer (now rambling on and on and shouting): Perhaps we can frighten away the ghost by turning on the chandelier that I just said was broken! (Assistant shrugs and begins to pull up the chandelier).

Loud ominous music begins to play and we all can recognize it as the theme music for the Phantom! Suddenly there is a large gust of wind and the small group is nearly knocked over.

Raoul: TURN OFF THAT BLASTED WIND MACHINE! (Holding his hat and trying to shield his eyes from large pieces of debris being flung at him)

The chandelier continues its climb (minus the wind) and suddenly it is like the group has gone back in time. They disappear mysteriously.

_**Preparing for Hannibal Scene: 1880's France**_

Carlotta: (singing loudly and rather off key) This trooooooooooophy from our saviors from our saaaaaaaaviors. From the enslaving force offffff ROME!

The Dancing Chorus girls come dressed as scantily clad slave girls and begin to dance and mumble some kind of song that no one can understand. Not that any of the guys in the audience would care anyway.

Owner: Quiet down everyone I have to say something. (Everyone keeps singing and dancing) Excuse me everyone… quiet… (finally loses temper) QUIET DOWN EVERYONE I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU BLOCK HEADS! (Everyone is quiet) Thank you… now I would like to introduce you to the new managers of the Opera house because I am retired.

Carlotta: (Turns to Piangi) Come on time to pay up! (Piangi sighs and reluctantly hands over some gold coins to Carlotta)

Owner: Well anyway this is Andre and Firmin. They were currently in the junk business…

Andre: Scrap metal actually!

Owner: Yes… well then… (Looks at Andre somewhat afraid like) I stand corrected. And now our new patron, Raoul something or other… you really have a confusing last name!

Raoul: (Enters) Hello everyone! (strikes a pose and the girls all shriek in delight) I am proud to be a patron for the… (looks at note card provided) Opera Populare! (strikes another pose) Continue with your rehearsal please! (dramatically exits)

Christine: Oh he's kinda cute isn't he Meg?

Meg: Cute if not arrogant. (Glares as Raoul gives her a flirtatious smile)

Christine: (giggles) Look at his hair… and the way he walks… (giggles again)

Carlotta begins to sing Think of Me randomly and everyone begins to wince painfully.

Carlotta: (very off key) Think of me… think of me fondly when we say good bye. Remember me… once in a while please promise me you'll try! When you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be… (a small piece of wood falls and knocks her unconscious… putting everyone out of their misery)

Carlotta's managers come and carry her off stage.

Manager: (dressed in a black suit and tie and sunglasses cover his eyes) Carlotta is tired of all of these accidents… this is the third one this afternoon!

Owner: How do you know what Carlotta is thinking if she is unconscious?

Manager: Well… umm… okay so maybe we elaborate a little bit on that but we're paid to do it! Anyway Carlotta quits! For real this time! (leaves)

Andre: Oh now what are we going to do!

Firmin: Carlotta was the star! We can't go on without her… wait what am I saying? She was terrible anyway!

Owner: Well that's for you two to figure out… good luck! (also leaves)

Madam Giry: The Phantom of the Opera would like to say…

Andre: Yes, yes that is very nice… run along now!

Meg: Christine can sing the part sir!

Firmin: Well that's sweet and everything…

Andre: (Cutting him off) Bring her out girl! Hurry up!


	2. Think of MeA Mysterious Voice

**A/N: Hi… I kinda forgot about this story and I also didn't think that anyone wanted to read it. I thought I would try again though and see what would happen… so if you like this story you HAVE to let me know or else I will discontinue it. Thanks! **

_**Think of Me and a Mysterious Voice scene**_

Meg leads out a dazed looking Christine who looks around confused.

Meg: I know she's a bit slow on the uptake but she has a lovely voice!

Conductor: Well let's start at the top then Christine all right?

Christine: From the top of where?

Conductor: The song!

Christine: Which one?

Conductor: The one that is labeled THINK OF ME and that Carlotta is supposed to sing!

Christine: Well then why isn't she singing it if it's her song?

Conductor: Because she quit!

Christine: Who quit?

Conductor: (screams in frustration) JUST SING IT!

Christine shrugs and waits for the opening of the song.

Christine: (In a beautiful and enchanting voice)

Think of me… think of me fondly when we say good bye

Remember me… once in a while please promise me you'll try

When you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be free

If you ever find a moment spare a thought for me

(The others stare at her in awe. The crowd for the play comes in and begin to applaud. Christine's slave outfit has magically changed into a lovely dress and she continues to sing)

We never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea

But if you can still remember stop and think of me

Think of all the things we've said and seen

Don't think about the way things might have been

Think of me… think of me waking silent and resigned

Imagine me trying too hard to put you from my mind

Recall those days

Look back on all those times

Think of the things we'll never do

There will never be a day when I won't think of you

(Crowd applauds and Christine stands with a bright smile but overall blank look)

Raoul: (drooling over Christine's looks) (remembers her as a girl that he once saw as a child)

Can it be… can it be Christine? (cheers along with the others a little too enthusiastically) (lacking inspiration and creativity Raoul sings to the tune that Christine was singing to)

What a change, you're really not a bit

The gawkish girl that once you were

She may not remember me but I remember her (gives his hair a quick flip and smiles)

Christine begins to sing again

Christine:

Flowers change the fruit of summer change

They have their seasons so do we

But please promise me that sometimes you will think…

Oooooooooooooooooof me!

The crowd applauds loudly. Christine looks rather dazed again as Madame Giry pulls her off stage. Suddenly Christine finds herself in some sort of dark room. She gropes for a match and then lights a conveniently placed candle for light.

Meg: (begins to sing)

Where in the world have you been hiding?

Christine: (cutting her off) What were you saying Meg?

Meg: I was complementing on your performance!

Christine: Which performance was that?

Meg: You're lucky that you're pretty and have a nice voice… otherwise you would be lost in this world.

Christine: (was playing with a lock of her hair and giggling madly) Sorry were you saying something Meg?

Meg: …

Christine: Hey have you ever heard someone talking to you but there was nothing there?

Meg: Oh so there is someone up there in that head of yours! In case you were wondering that would be called a conscious… listen to it!

Christine: (suddenly very serious) Not that kind of voice Meg. There's a voice in my dressing room and he taught me to sing… he claims he's my father which I suppose could be possible…

Meg: Don't speak of such things! You will bring the Phantom on us for sure!

Neither of them thinks that maybe the voice and the Phantom could be one and the same.

_**The Mirror Scene**_

Madame Giry helps Christine into her dressing room.

MG: You did wonderful tonight Christine… he is very pleased with you. (hands Christine a rose)

Christine: Who is?

MG: You are lucky that you are pretty and have a lovely voice… otherwise you would be lost in the world.

Christine: Funny I think I've heard that before…

MG suddenly leaves Christine alone in her room and Raoul enters.

Raoul: Hello Christine. (flashes a brilliant smile)

Christine: Oh it's you… has anyone said how cute you are?

Raoul: Why yes I get it all the time. (Strikes another pose) And you are very beautiful Christine…

Christine: (bubbly) Why thank you!

Raoul: Allow me to escort you to dinner.

Christine: Sure! Oh darn it all… I forgot…

Raoul: What? Is it another man? I'll kill him! (holds a rubber knife threateningly)

Christine: No it's the (ominous music) Angel of Music. The (ominous music) Angel of Music expects me here every Tuesday and Thursday at 8:00 sharp for singing lessons!

Raoul: Great I'll get my carriage for us! Meet me in five minutes! (leaves)

Christine shrugs and dresses for dinner. Suddenly she hears dramatic and slightly creepy music and puts on her "afraid" face.

Voice:

Insolent boy this slave of fashion

Basking in your glory

Ignorant fool this brave young suitor

Sharing in my triumph!

Christine: (somewhat confused as to what he's talking about decides to just wing it)

Angel I hear you speak I listen

Stay by my side guide me

Angel my soul was weak forgive me

Enter at last Master

Voice: (somewhat confused what she is talking about decides to just wing it)

Flattering child you shall know me

See why in shadows I hide

Look at your face in the mirror

I am there inside!

Christine: (somewhat confused as to what he's talking about decides to just wing it again)

Angel of Music guide and guardian

Grant to me your glory

Angel of Music hide no longer

Come to me strange Angel

Voice:

I am your Angel

Come to your Angel of Music

Raoul: (tries to open the door but fails) Who's is that voice? Who is that in there?

Voice: (looks at Christine as if to say "This is the guy that you want to leave me for?" and mouths "He's rather stupid!")

Christine: (smiles apologetically)

Voice: (somewhat louder this time)

I AM YOUR _ANGEL_

COME TO YOUR _ANGEL OF MUSIC_! (accenting the ANGEL OF MUSIC)

Raoul: Seriously who's there? I can't quite distinguish a name.

Christine walks up to the mirror, takes his out stretched hand and is yanked through the mirror. Just then Raoul realizes that he was turning the handle the wrong way the whole time and runs in the room too late.

Raoul: AAHHH! CHRISTINE IS GONE! **(Meg walks by) **Pretty girl… (walks off in a daze)


	3. The Phantom of the What?

**A/N: I'm finally back with this story… sadly it isn't my top priority anymore… but I will still update it sometimes. Thanks for the few reviewers that reviewed this story:D**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own The Phantom of the Opera… or trust me there would be a totally different ending. (coughRaouldiescough) Nothing against Raoul but he gets in the way of Erik and Christine. **

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: Slightly Revised

The Phantom of the What?

Christine: Oooh! What a lovely hallway! (a horde of rats run by and the roof begins to leak)

Phantom: Why thank you…

Christine:

_In sleep he sang to me_

_In dreams he came_

_That voice which calls to me_

_And speaks my name_

_And do I dream again?_

_For now I find_

_The Phantom of the Opera is there_

_Inside my mind _

Even though I don't find it natural that you're there in my head but whatever.

Phantom:

_Sing once again with me_

_Our strange duet_

_My power over you_

_Grows stronger yet_

_And though you turn from me_

_To glance behind_

_The Phantom of the Opera is there_

_Inside your mind_

Christine:

_Those who have seen your face draw back in fear_

_I am the mask you wear_

Which reminds me mister… why the heck do you have a one way mirror in my dressing room?

Phantom: Uh… umm… what are we talking about? (hastily returns back to singing)

_It's me they hear_

Both:

_My/your spirit and my/your voice in one combined. The Phantom of the Opera is there… inside my/your mind. _(The Phantom turns to hold his hand out to help Christine into the boat but finds she was already in there waiting for him. Sighing, he jumps into the boat after her)

Disembodied Voices:

_He's there… the Phantom of the Opera_

_Beware the Phantom of the Opera_

(Christine looks wildly around the room in confusion) (The boat tips and the Phantom falls over)

Phantom: Aargh!

Christine: You're a Phantom _and _a pirate? (stares innocently)

Phantom: Grr…

Christine: (claps hands excitedly) Oooh! Now you're a bear! Turn into something else! Please! (pouts)

Phantom: (mutters to himself) I'm about to turn into a murderer if she keeps this up!

Christine: What was that?

Phantom: Nothing! Umm… sing my angel of music!

Christine: Hey! I'm not a slave!

Phantom: (groans) You're ruining the dramatic atmosphere!

Christine: Well I don't care Mister Grumpy Pants. I'm not a slave that will sing on command!

Phantom: Hello… you're in show business.

Christine: Good point. (begins to wail dramatically)

Phantom: Sing My Angel in the right key!

Christine: (glares but fixes the key she's in)

Phantom: Sing for me!

Christine: (while still singing in the scale type format but only with words)

_Who else could I sing for?_

_We're the only ones in here!_

Phantom: Stop being a brat!

Christine: (continues singing normally)

Phantom: Sing my Angel!

Christine: (sings)

Phantom: Sing for me!

Christine: (braces herself for the high note but not for the bug that flies in her mouth)

Aaak!

Phantom: (dashes out of boat to escape the hacking noises coming from Christine)

Christine: What's the matter? It's your fault that you have bugs infesting the place!

Phantom: Umm… hehe… about that…

Christine: (stares blankly for a moment) Wait… who are you?

Phantom: Remember… I'm the Phantom of the Opera!

Christine: The Phantom of the What?

Phantom: Oy… (smacks himself in the face)

Christine: (gasp!) Now you're British! Yay!

Phantom: (to himself) I have to find a way to make her shut up… but how?

Christine: What was that?

Phantom: Nothing!

Christine: Are you sure? I thought I heard you muttering!

Phantom: Umm… I have these bugs… in my ears… and I have to… talk to them… all the time…

Christine: What? Why!

Phantom: Umm… erm… well… look there's a big shiny thing on the bottom of the lake!

Christine: (gasp!) Where? (dives into water to look for shiny thing)

Phantom: Okay… think Erik think!

**A/N: So how will the Phantom make Christine shut up? Well you can probably guess but I'm trying to make some dramatic tension here… please review if you like this story! Please! Oh… there's another verse to the Phantom of the Opera but I like it too much so I cut it…**


	4. Music of the Night?

**A/N: Okay I'm back though I don't think this chapter will turn out quite how I would like it to be. Please bear with me the few people who actually read this and enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: Yes! It is I! Andrew Lloyd Webber… and I am writing fanfiction about my wonderful creation The Phantom of the Opera. Come on…**

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: Slightly Revised

The Music of the Night?

Christine: Hey! (resurfacing and walking onto ground) There wasn't any shiny thing down there in the lake and now I'm all wet! (pouts)

Phantom: Oh I'm _sorry _darling… the old eyesight must be giving out on me!

Christine: That's no excuse! (starts so cry)

Phantom: Don't cry Christine… umm…

Nighttime sharpens

Heightens each sensation

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination

Silently the senses abandon their defenses

Christine: (breathing heavily) (to herself) Darn corset… I need to remember those heavy breathing lessons Meg taught me….

Phantom:

Slowly gently night unfurls its splendor

Christine: Excuse me! (pant pant) I think that's out of order!

Phantom: What? No it isn't!

Christine: Yes (pant) it (pant) is (pant)!

Phantom: Should I get you a paper bag?

Christine: No! (pant) Hey… what's this? (pant) (makes way to a pretty curtain)

Phantom: No! Don't touch that!

Christine: (finds life size mannequin of herself) Well… now I know why you needed that one way mirror! (examines dress) This dress is half an inch off in the hem! And that lipstick is definitely not my color!

Phantom: Oh…

Christine: (pant, pant, pant) (faints)

Phantom: I knew the mannequin would be too much for her!

Christine: (thinking to herself) Can't… breath! Must loosen… corset…

Phantom: What should I do with her… hmm… (grabs blanket and drapes over Christine) There… that should be good enough… now I must go fix that dress! (runs off to sewing machine)

While the Phantom sews a new dress for Christine… Raoul is _desperately_ searching for his lost love… kinda…

Raoul: Oh my love, my love! Where are you! (begins to cry while still in Christine's dressing room)

MG: Excuse me monsieur… but what are you doing here?

Raoul: Oh it's terrible… she's gone! (flips hair sadly)

MG: YOU MEAN YOU LOST HER?

Raoul: Well I didn't know that I was supposed to watch her!

MG: Don't you remember? I told you right before you went to her room!

Raoul: Hmm… (flashback)

_MG: Now… when you get to Christine's room you have to remember TO STAY WITH HER UNTIL I COME BACK! Got it?_

_Raoul: Yes sir… I mean miss… (salutes proudly)_

_MG: Good… now whatever you do… if you hear a mysterious voice coming from her dressing room you must turn the handle to the LEFT and not the right… that handle has been messed up for a while now. _

_Raoul: Left… not right… got it! Now if you don't mind me asking… why exactly does Christine need a babysitter? _

_MG: Isn't it obvious? (stalks off)_

_Raoul: What's obvious? Okay… left not right… left not right… left… ooh! Pretty girl! (runs up to Meg flirtatiously) _

Raoul: Oh yeah… I remember now… I guess your daughter caused to me to forget when she slapped me upside the head with that fish…

MG: She did what? Never mind… I don't want to know… I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOST HER!

Raoul: Why did she need me to watch her again?

MG: Because… even though she may be a brunette she is really blonde at heart and she always manages to do something incredibly stupid when left alone…

Raoul: Well… that's never happened to me…

MG: My daughter slapped you in the head with a fish…

Raoul: Point taken…

MG: Anyway… have you tried looking around the Opera house for her?

Raoul: No… that would never work… we might find her…

MG: …

Raoul: Wow… you're awful quiet…

MG: Were you dropped on your over fluffed head as a child?

Raoul: You know… someone else asked me that too… my dad _was _always skirting around the topic at the dinner table and during family gatherings…

MG: You know what skirting means?

Raoul: Doesn't it mean to drop on the head?

MG: It all makes so much sense now!

Raoul: What makes sense?

MG: Isn't it obvious? (stalks off)

Raoul: WHAT'S SO OBVIOUS ABOUT IT? (begins crying again)

**A/N: Okay… kind of a weird chapter… sorry… anyway… please review!**


	5. What's Wrong With Your Face?

**A/N: I'M SOOOOO SORRY FOR ANYONE WHO HAS KEPT UP WITH THIS STORY! Life intervened and I've had a case of lovely writer's block. Anyway, on with the chapter! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Phantom… but if I did… hmm…**

What? There's Nothing Wrong With Your Face! Scene. 

Narrator: And so, back in the Phantom's dark and gruesome lair, the sleeping beauty awoke to find that she could hardly remember a thing.

Phantom: I shall practice my Don Juan Triumphant now! I'm sure it won't wake Christine! (loud angry organ playing begins)

Christine: (jerks awake) Aaaaahhhh! The loud organ sound! (pauses) I can hardly remember a thing! (gasps)

_I remember there was mist_

_Swirling mist across a vast glossy lake…_

_There were candles all around_

Christine: And a funny little man that was a piratebearbritishman!

_And on the lake there was a boat_

_And in the boat there was a man!_

And not just any man… a piratebearbritishman! (soft violin begins to play as the Phantom swirls around to face Christine)

Phantom: Awake already my wife… I mean… my dear? (Christine ignores him and begins to advance as though in a trance)

Christine: _Who was that face in the shadows? Whose is the face in the mask? _

Phantom: (to himself) Hmm… she might be up to something… I should probably guard my mask… SHE'S DOING THE HEAVY BREATHING THING!

Christine: (smirks) (to herself) I knew hyperventilation would come in handy some day! (reaches across to the Phantom and whacks his mask off quickly)

Phantom: AARRRGGG!

Christine: PIRATE!

Phantom: _Damn you, you little lying Delilah! _You took my masky off and now you have seen the true horror of my face! Damn you! Now I can never let you leave because you would not return!

Christine: Actually I didn't see anything…

Phantom: Oh woe is me! I must kidnap an innocent girl… (mutters) even though that was my plan in the first place (loud again) Curse you! Now you will never love me!

Christine: I DIDN'T see anything! (getting a little frustrated and pouts)

Phantom: (still ignoring Christine) _Fear can turn to love you'll learn to see to find the man behind the monster this… _hmm… what would be the best words to describe my hideous face…

Christine: Disgusting carcass? Road kill? Meg Ryan's face AFTER she got plastic surgery?

Phantom: Well… ahem… anyway I'd appreciate it if you would hand me my mask… it's uncomfortable to hold my hand like this…

Christine: (sigh) (to herself) Might as well make him happy. (out loud) Yes, please take this mask to hide your hideous face! (hands mask to Phantom)

Phantom: (sniff sniff) Thank you kind lady. _Come we must return, those two fools who run my theater will be missing you! _

Christine: Way ahead of you! (already sitting in boat and waiting for Phantom)

Phantom: Wait… didn't I just say that I was going to keep you here forever because you saw my face? Hmm… oh well let's get this show on the road! (climbs in boat and sails away)

……………………………

Narrator: Meanwhile, havoc was spreading like wildfire across the Opera Populaire as the managers hurriedly searched for their missing lead soprano… of one day of course.

Firmin: Lala… what a lovely day it is…

Narrator: Ahem…

Firmin: Oh, right._… _do I really have to sing? Oh well I might as well be rather blunt about it… where the hell is Christine? And why do I find myself more fascinated with money than with the safety of our cast?

Andre: _Damnable when they all walk out! This is damnable! _

Firmin: Andre please don't… sing. It was never one of your greater talents.

Andre: _But we have no cast! _

Firmin: Are you listening to me Andre?

Andre: Sorry… I get caught up in moments like this…

Firmin: I got a weird note… did you happen to receive one?

Andre: Why yes I did! Here, I'll read it out loud to you.

**Dear Andre what a lovely gala. Christine was rather wonderful to put it mildly. What a brilliant man you are for letting her sing! I give you your props. Just make sure that Carlotta never sings again and I'll be your best friend forever. **

**Signed, **

**O.G. **

Firmin: (pouts) He wasn't that nice to me! Here's what mine says…

**Dir Sir/Madame,**

**You haven't paid me yet… did you happen to forget where I live? Send it down here to chamber number 3 or give the money to Madame Giry my personal maid. Well at least she was in the book. And if you think that you are going to call Christine a "silly chorus girl" make sure that you don't wake up with a noose around your neck. **

**Signed,**

**O.G. **

**P.S. I don't like debtors either so pay up. **

I really didn't like the Sir/Madame part…

Andre: …

Firmin: Why are you staring at me like that?

Andre: Oh… no reason.

Raoul: (bursting in loudly) _Where is she? _

Firmin: Well that was rather vague and rude.

Andre: You mean Carlotta?

Raoul: No, Christine you twits! (strikes a pose by throwing his head back and running fingers through hair)

Firmin: Does your head itch?

Andre: How should we know where Christine is?

Raoul: I received a note (dramatically and loudly holds note out) and I know you sent it! (with other hand points dramatically, scowling deeply)

Andre: We didn't send it!

Raoul: Oh… so it _wasn't _you?

Firmin: I believe that's what my almost bald little friend just said. (Andre shouts indignantly)

Raoul: Oh fiddlesticks… (pouts sadly) (chorus girls coo and sigh sadly)

Andre: Wait, weren't you with Christine last night… which was when she disappeared?

Raoul: Yes.

Andre: And you're just _now _looking for her?

Raoul: Yes.

Andre: Oh…

Carlotta: (bursts in even louder than Raoul) _Where is he? _

Firmin: People here have a vagueness issue…

Carlotta: _You're precious patron where is he?_

Raoul: I'm right here!

Firmin: Lad… I've learned to not answer when an angry woman comes in here screaming at you in alternating French and Spanish. Especially one as powerful looking as Carlotta.

Carlotta: You are plotting against me _Mr. Patron_! (begins a five minute stream of curses in Spanish towards Raoul) And you sent me this letter!

Raoul: I didn't send a letter… I did receive one though!

Andre: What does it say by the way?

Raoul:

**Mr. Patron/Woman Stealer,**

**Stay away from Christine… SHE'S MINE FOREVER! Don't attempt to see her ever again!**

**Signed,**

**O.G. **

Firmin: I like it… to the point and easy to remember. **_(A/N: Go Captain Jack!)_**

Raoul: Well I DON'T like it… (begins to sniffle sadly) who am I going to hang on if my little Christy-poo is gone forever? (Meg walks by) Pretty girl… pretty girl.

Carlotta: Well mine is much more insulting then that letter that you obviously wrote yourself! Ahem!

**Dear Screechy Toad, **

**You can't sing… you're annoying… and that fake accent is really annoying and totally and obviously fake. I don't know why you were hired in the first place… maybe the old owners had ears of wood. Attempt to upstage Christine and you will croak to a different tune. **

**Signed, **

**O.G. **

Raoul: Well… okay then… (Carlotta sniffs heavily and turns away from the patron)

Carlotta: Can you not see that HE is the culprit! He is Christine's lover after all!

Andre: (gasp!) Oh a scandal! How delightful!

Firmin: I smell a juicy gossip just waiting to unfold!

Raoul: What's a lover?

Carlotta: Yes… her lover… that's where she was all evening!

Raoul: Whatever this lover is I assure you that I am not one… Christine and I talked for about two minutes and then she disappeared!

Andre: Uh-huh… sure you did lad… we _believe _you!

Firmin: Just like a little lying rat to well… lie himself out of the situation…

Raoul: Hey!

Carlotta: What would you want with that dratted little chorus girl anyway?

Andre: Well… she did sing very nicely… I don't think we should let gossip get in the way of…

Carlotta: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE RIGHT NOW?

Andre: (whimper, whimper) Of course not dearest… flower…

Firmin: (small light bulb appears over head) (smiles happily) We would be glad to have you back as our leading soprano Signora Carlotta.

Carlotta: (sniff) Well…


	6. Prima Donna Swallows Essence of Toad

**A/N: OMG!!!! I UPDATED!!!!! After the months and months of waiting I have finally updated for you all!!! I am soooooo sorry… I swear all you have to do is ask and I'll send either the Phantom, Raoul, or Christine (whichever you prefer) to serenade you into forgiveness:D On with the story!! **

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Phantom of the Opera… **

Prima Donna Swallows A Frog

Andre: Psst… Firmin!

Firmin: What is it Andre, I'm kind of busy winning back our lead soprano!

Andre: I was wondering… why do we want her back to so badly? She's terrible and Christine has such a lovely voice!

Firmin: Do you want her to scream in alternating French and Spanish?

Andre: Well… no…

Firmin: Then I suggest you shut it and let ME do all the talking! (turns back to Carlotta) So what do you think dearest? Will you give us another chance?

Carlotta: Well… if my personal slaves demand it… yes I will!

Andre and Firmin: Yesssssssss!! (high five each other)

Raoul: Awesome! No wait… I'm supposed to be on Christine's side… or am I? (wanders off to figure this out… not before flipping his hair of course)

Carlotta: That boy… he is… how you would say… cracked in the head?

Firmin: Actually, our theory is that his mother or father accidentally dropped him on the head as an infant…

Andre: OR maybe all those hair sprays and strong shampoos fumes went to his head…

Carlotta: AHEM!!!! Back to me please!

A&F: Oh right… sorry we took our attentions elsewhere… (ahem!) _Prima Donna first lady of the stage!!! _

Carlotta: Oh! I am so wonderful!

Firmin: _Can you deny us the triumph in store! _

Andre: _Think of how they all adore you? _(A/N: Yes that's supposed to be a question mark)

Firmin: I think this is terribly out of order…

Andre: Please… we could tell her that even her burps are beautiful and she would totally bask in it…

Firmin: Hmmm… (both give each other knowing winks)

Firmin: Should we dare?

Andre: As enjoyable as that would be… we should probably not insult Christine for right now… we don't want her to realize what we're up to and then get upset.

Firmin: Ah… another time then… on we go!

Andre: Oh my gosh girlfriend… do you know what I heard about Christine?

Carlotta: (gasp!) Oh good heavens man! Tell me, and quick!

Andre: Well I heard that she slept with Raoul… the PATRON of the whole Opera House!

Carlotta: Well that little (censored) the next time I see her I'll be sure to (censored) (censored) (still censored) (and last censor)!

Firmin: Umm… don't you think that's a tad bit… graphic?

Carlotta: Oh who are you to judge?

Firmin: You're absolutely right!

Carlotta: Don't I know it… now come with me to gloat about my victory all around the Opera House!

Narrator: Suddenly everyone was on stage to line up for the play "Il Muto" or whatever it is… the play about the mute!

Everyone but Carlotta and F&A: Well… we're getting paid to suck up to her highness so… yeah…

Managers: Christine! When did you get here?

Christine: Well you were so busy being brown nosers that you didn't have time to hear Madam Giry announce my late night arrival.

Andre: Oh…

Firmin: Oops…

Carlotta: And _why _are you apologizing to _her?_

Firmin: No reason… (a little too quickly)

All: Sing Prima Donna… ONCE MORE!!!!!

…………………..

MG: Oh Christine! Beware the Phantom's wrath this evening!

Christine: Who?

MG: Beware the pirate/bear/british man!!!!

Christine: Oh him?

MG: Yes…

Christine: I have no reason to be afraid… it's just everyone around me that has to worry! (with a bright cheeriness)

MG: Oh! (runs out dramatically)

Christine: (shrugs) Oh well, the show must go on!

…………………

Narrator: So Il Muto commenced shortly after this conversation between Madam Giry and Christine, much to the distaste to The Phantom. But fear not hearty Phangirls!! Our Phantom had a _"brilliant"_ plan.

Phantom: (Pacing back and forth in evil lair) What to do, what to do!! I need a way to shove Carlotta offstage and replace her with Christine, proving my everlasting and undying love! But how??

Narrator: This went on for several more minutes, until finally…

Phantom: I KNOW!!!! I will turn Carlotta into a toad! Then I will shrink the toad down to the size of a pin! After the toad has been successfully shrunk, I will turn it back into Carlotta and take my wax for signing letters and pour it all over her!! BWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Oh come on… that would NEVER work.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: YES IT WOULD!!! That's exactly why I bought this extract of toad!! (holds little bottle of liquid and shakes it)

Narrator: Ooookay!

Phantom: Well, I'm off!!! (prances merrily out the lair and heads up to the stage)

…………………….

Narrator: The performance had already started and the Phantom crept quietly into the shadows, awaiting his task.

Phantom: Bwuahahahahaha… (continues to cackle demonically)

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the stage the opera was going along nicely.

Carlotta: POOOOOOOOOOOR… FOOOOOOOOL… HEEEEEEEEE…. MAAAAAAAAKES… MEEEEEEEEE… LAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

Audience: Oi!

Christine: Yay!! It's a British audience!! (orchestra stops playing because of the interruption)

Audience: Hey! We're French!!

Carlotta: (to Christine) YOUR PART IS SILENT LITTLE TOAD!!!

Christine: (shrinks down in fear and embarrassment)

Audience: Umm… we can still hear you…

Carlotta: No you can't!!!

Audience: Okay…

Carlotta: I NEED MY MOUTH SPRAAAAY!!!!

Random Lady: Oh! I'll get it!!!

Phantom: Cackle, cackle, cackle!! (switches the mouth spray with the extract of toad)

RL: Hmm… I don't remember the spray being in this bottle… or it being this color… (studies bottle a while longer) OH WELL!! (happily skips off with bottle of TOAD ESSENCE!!!)

Phantom: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Joseph Bouquet: What was that?? (peers down from the rafters curiously)

Phantom: He heard me! Nooooooooooo!!!!! I must go get rid of him!!

Narrator: Back on the stage…

RL: I have your mouth spray oh holy one!!

Carlotta: SPRAY IT!!!!!

RL: Yes Carlotta!! (Sprays liquid into Carlotta's mouth)

Carlotta: YOU ALWAYS GET IT ON MY CHIN!!! CURSE YOU!!!!

Audience: Umm… we can _STILL _here you!!

Carlotta: Ahem… (begins to shriek… er sing loudly) POOOOOOOOOR… FOOOOOOL... HEEEEEEEEEEE…. MAAAAAAKKKKKEESSS… MEEEEEEEEE…. LAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA… HAHAHA… HAHA!!!! EUGHSCUYH!!!!!

Audience: Come again?

Carlotta: RIBBIT!!!

Audience: GASP!!

Carlotta: RIBBIT!! RIBBIT!!! RIBBIT!!!

Phantom: (in the middle of climbing a rafter to find Bouquet) That's odd… she didn't turn into a toad!! (drops back down to the ground and examines essence of toad) Let's see… oh yes that's why!! It's actually essence of frog that just changes the voice!!

Carlotta: WAAAHHHribbitWAAAHHH!!! (runs backstage in shame)

Phantom: Oh well, the deed is done! Now to find that infuriating Bouquet!

………………………….

Narrator: Meanwhile, the managers had a nasty mess to clean up and Raoul just arrived for the play, fashionably late of course.

Raoul: Oh look! The bosses are talking!! (tries to find a seat)

Andre: We excuse the interruption ladies, gentlemen, and Raoul.

Raoul: What?

Firmin: We promise that the opera will begin in ten minutes and Christine Daee will remarkably change from a mute little boy to the Countess… who is in fact a woman!! Thank you!!

Andre: Please enjoy the ballet while we wait!

Raoul: Ooo goodie!! Christine will be up next!! Now if I could just find a blasted seat… (suddenly spies Box 5) I know!! Box Five is open… brilliant!! (heads to stairs that will take him to the box)

MG: I wouldn't do that if I were you…

Raoul: Oh bugger off. (shoves MG down stairs) Now I'm going up to BOX FIVE… the box that the PHANTOM USUALLY OCCUPIES!!

…………………………….

(Up in the rafters)

Phantom: Aaaargh!!!! My Box 5 senses are tingling!! And something smells of fop!!

Bouquet: (somewhere in the distance) I'm going onto a precarious rafter right over the stage and next to a noose!!! Lalalalalala!!!

Phantom: Drat! Raoul will have to wait, I must tend to Bouquet… wait did someone say noose?? (scuttles off towards Bouquet)

……………..

(In Christine's dressing room)

Christine: Blasted… corset… (struggles to tighten strings) Where is Madam Giry??

Narrator: There is a _mysterious _puff of smoke and a loud popping noise!!

MG: (emerging through the smoke) You rang?

Christine: You are aware that was oober creepy right?

MG: What was?

Christine: (Motions to the smoke all around)

MG: Oh yeah… I was smoking a little earlier and I guess the smoke kind of hangs around me…

Christine: Ugh… chain smoker!

MG: Well, since you don't really need me I'll be off!! (poofs away)

Christine: Wait!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Will the Phantom ever find Bouquet? Will Christine ever get her corset laced up correctly and perform in front of an audience? And for goodness sake will Raoul ever stop being a fop?? Find out… next time!!

**A/N: Yeah… everything the narrator said… :D Please review and make me happy!!! **


	7. Of Hangings and Dratted Women Stealers

**\ A/N: I'm back again, even though I didn't get very many reviews. :D Anyways, please read and enjoy!! Oh so you know, I was kind of bored so I made the different names different types of font. Just as a warning. They're only the main characters too… so mainly Raoul, Christine, and The Phantom will have different fonts though I might do Madam Giry, Meg, or the Managers too. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing… please don't send your lawyers after me. They make me cry. **

_Of Hanging and Dratted Woman Stealers_

Narrator: Deep in the dark dangers of the Opera rafters, The Phantom of the Opera closed in on his prey. Let's take a closer look on this baffling act of Opera Ghost nature.

_Phantom: _(eye twitching) Haven't… hung anything… for a week. Madam Giry… cut me off… (head jerks)

Bouquet: Who's there?

_Phantom: _Just your sweet old granny dear! (in a high falsetto)

Bouquet: Oh thank goodness it's just you granny… what are you doing up here?

_Phantom: _(quietly tightening the Punjab lasso) Does a granny need an excuse to visit her only grandson? (still in high falsetto)

Bouquet: Why granny, what dark malicious eyes you have!

_Phantom: _(high falsetto) Um… the better to see you with??

Bouquet: Oh granny… what a strange mask you are wearing!

_Phantom: _The better to… umm… protect you from my frostbite!

Bouquet: Oh but granny, what a large Punjab lasso you have!

_Phantom: _(no longer in falsetto) THE BETTER TO STRANGLE YOU WITH!!

Bouquet: Eek! (tries to flee) I'm too drunk and beautiful to die!!

_Phantom: _(after roping Joseph around the neck) Hate to break it to you, but no one is gonna want to get it on with a corpse.

Bouquet: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!!! (dies)

Narrator: Meanwhile, Christine was preparing for taking on such a large role.

**_Christine: _**I CAN'T LACE THE CORSETS!! (sniffle) I feel so allllooooneee!!!

Audience: SHRIEK!!!

**_Christine: _**Meh??

Narrator: The ballet girls certainly did receive a nasty surprise.

_Meg_: Lalalala… dance, dance, dance!!!

_Phantom: _What am I gonna do with the body?? (ponder, ponder) I'll throw it on the stage!! Wheeee!!!

_Meg_: Lalalalala… AAH!!! IT'S THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!!

Bouquet: (hanging)

_Meg_: Wait, no. It's just Bouquet!! (begins to flee the stage as well)

**Raoul: **Oh my god!! (begins to flee as well from Box Five)

_Voice: _AND STAY OUT OF MY BOX YOU INSIGNIFICATE FOP!!

**Raoul**: Meh??

Narrator: Christine made her way from the dressing room to see what in the world was going on.

**_Christine: _**Oh Raoul, thank goodness you're safe!

**Raoul: **Christine! I was trying to find you!! (sadly eyes the EXIT)

**_Christine: _**Oh… (pats Raoul's cheek) That's so sweet!

**Raoul: **Aww… I try!

**_Christine: _**Let's go onto the roof so that we can have a romantic escapade! Umm… (blushes) I mean… it will be safe from the Phantom there!

**Raoul: **Really? Well what the heck are we waiting for let's go!!

Narrator: The two young people made their way to the roof, stumbling over large steps in their hurry to get into the open air.

**Raoul: **There is no Phantom of the Opera! (loudly and with gusto)

**_Christine: _**But a few moments ago you were screaming about how you had to get away from him and pushed me so you could be first on the roof!

**Raoul: **No I didn't.

**_Christine: _**But Bouquet is dead! I disappeared for a whole evening!

**Raoul: **Bouquet is an idiot and apparently you were with me all night.

**_Christine:_** But… I wasn't with you.

**Raoul: **Well Christine, I've managed to convince myself that I simply had too much to drink and therefore cannot recall if you were with me or not.

**_Christine: _**What???? Oh that is classy… (sulks in the corner)

**Raoul: **Drat! Erm… Christine…

**_Christine: _**Yes Raoul? (hopeful)

**Raoul: **Take this extremely shiny nickel as a token of my love.

**_Christine: _**(gasp!) Oh Raoul! I love you! (grabs nickel and begins to stroke it)

**Raoul: **Really? Cause I love you too Christine! _Anywhere you go let me go too… Christine that's all I ask of you! _

**_Christine: _**Ugh… that makes you sound super clingy Raoul.

**Raoul: **But I loooooooveeee you!!!

**_Christine: _**Yeah, that's nice… (continues to stroke nickel)

**Raoul: **Christine, if you're going to spend more time with the nickel then maybe I should just leave! (begins to head towards the EXIT)

**_Christine: _**Okay…

**Raoul: **Okay, I was bluffing! There's still a creepy Phantom down there! (attaches to Christine's arm)

**_Christine: _**I thought there was no such thing as the Phantom of the Opera? (cocks an eyebrow)

**Raoul: **There isn't.

**_Christine: _**Men…

**Raoul: **I can protect you Christine! (Christine snorts) Come with me to my fancy home until the new season starts at least!

**_Christine:_** No.

**Raoul: **(sigh) (holds out a shiny _quarter_) Do you want the quarter? (in a high pitched teasing voice usually reserved for babies and dogs)

**_Christine: _**(gasp) Yes… (reaches for quarter)

**Raoul: **Then you have to follow me to my carriage…

**_Christine: _**And your fine horses?

**Raoul: **Yeah, sure, whatever.

_**Christine: **Anywhere you go let me go too… _

**Raoul: **_Anywhere you go let me go too… _

Narrator: And the lovely couple then exited the roof, forgetting all about a crazy Opera Ghost that was downstairs, and went to Raoul's fancy estate. Meanwhile, the Phantom had observed the whole incident. There happened to be a lasso sale a little down the road and he had taken a detour on the roof in time to hear Raoul and Christine profess their love to each other.

_Phantom: I gave you my music… made your song take wing! And now, now you repay me. Denied me and betrayed me. He was bound to love you… when he heard you sing! Christine… _(clutches Punjab lasso to comfort him and rubs it against his unmasked cheek)

**Raoul's Echo: **(baby voice) Do you want the quarter Christine?

**_Christine's Echo: _**Shiiiinnny!!

_Phantom: _(instantly stops crying) Hey! What's that echo? The acoustics were supposed to be fixed in this place.

_**Both: **Anywhere you go let me go too… _

_Phantom: _Hey! Stop echoing I say! Stop it this instant! (tightens lasso dangerously)

_**Both: **Anywhere you go let me go too… _

_Phantom: _RARRR!! _YOU WILL CURSE THE DAY YOU DID NOT DO!! ALL THAT THE PHANTOM ASKED OF YOU! _(shakes fists dangerously at the walls that were causing the echo)

I'm going to pull a Donald Trump here in a minute! (trips of the cape that he was swooshing frantically to make himself look more intimidating.)

(blushes) You didn't see that because it didn't happen.

Narrator: Sure Mr. Phantom, just keep telling yourself. Now go Punjab a cat or something.

**A/N: Well, that was the interesting new chapter I guess. Please review and tell me what you thought. AND also tell me if you like me changing the fonts for all the character's names or not… it was kind of annoying but entertaining. **


	8. It's a Masquerade!

**A/N: I'm back finally:D Thanks for sticking with me on this on again off again story. Read and enjoy! So you know, people like Andre and Firmin are going to have to share a font because… well there's only so many combinations you can make. Thanks for understanding. :D And thanks so much for the reviewers that didn't have an account or weren't signed in, people like:**

**Virgine!: Wow… I loved that you took the time to read ALL of my chapters and review every single one. I would reply to each of them in this section but that would take forever and the readers would want to kill me for the extremely long author's note. But thank you so much!! It meant a lot to me and each of your reviews made me smile. **

**ChorusGirl24601: I'm glad you thought it was cute!! Your review meant a lot to me too:D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera. **

Narrator: And the months passed as Raoul spirited away his darling Christine to his mansion where he entertained her with various shiny objects. Both discovered that they both loved a certain brand of shampoo and that they both enjoyed combing their hair numerous times. Finally, Raoul proposed to Christine and like the sappy romantic she is she eagerly accepted.

And the Phantom lurked in his lair, waiting for the return of Christine and that meddlesome fop.

_Phantom: _(swears profusely) I can't go out to torture the opera people because I can't find my friggin' key that lets me out of this dump!

Narrator: WHAT?!?! Most doors lock on the inside!!

_Phantom: _Okay, so I was young and didn't know how to work a hammer! Leave me a lone!

Narrator: Well don't you have something big and heavy that you can break the door knob with?

_Phantom: _I don't think so… and don't you get any ideas about that Christine replica! It took me months and months of watching her undress through my one way mirror to get it like it is okay!!! Now go bugger off and leave Christine and me a lone in peace!

Narrator: Wow. (pause, pause, pause) Someone's a little hormonal today. (clears throat)

Well, anyway the Opera House is preparing for the New Year's Eve Masquerade Party! Raoul and Christine were invited even though they were just lazy bums that sat at Raoul's mansion doing god-knows-what… let's not get into that.

**Andre: **It's a masquerade party!

**Firmin**: Here's to a brand new year! We must've scared off the Phantom since we haven't seen him for…

**Andre:** It's a masquerade party!

**Firmin**: I need to find someone else to hang around with…

**_Carlotta:_** I'm here and singing LOOOOOOOUDLY!!!

_MG and Meg:_ Oi vay… (slap hands over ears)

_Meg:_ Look at me in my pretty little dress… swingy, swingy, swingy!

_MG: _I'm a Geisha impersonator! For god's sake Meg stop shaking your cleavage!

Narrator: Meanwhile… in some hallway of some sort…

**Raoul: **Hullo Christine! Let's make out!

**_Christine:_** Raoul please don't they'll see!

**Raoul: **What?

**_Christine: _**Ummm… I don't want them to see that I'm engaged

**Raoul: **What?

**_Christine: _**My god…

**Raoul: **What?

**_Christine: _**Oh just get me some punch or something.

**Raoul: **And some little sausages?

**_Christine: _**Now Raoul, you know what that would do to my figure.

**Raoul: **Ack! You're right! You would be FAT and I would HATE you!

**_Christine:_** That's right. Now go get yourself some sausages and some diet punch for me!

**Raoul: **Right away! (runs off to food and drink)

Narrator: Let's do a random camera turn and see what's going on downstairs!

**_DOWNSTAIRS PEOPLE!_**: LET'S ALL GET AS DRUNK AS A SAILOR AND TRY TO DANCE AND SING KARAOKE!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Narrator: And let's get back to the drama that is Christine and Raoul!

**Raoul: **Oooh! Little sausages! (suddenly sees Meg coming towards the refreshment table) WOW SHE'S HOT!

_Meg:_ Oh crap…

**Raoul: **Hullo Meg my dear! Wanna make out?

_Meg:_ Aren't you with Christine?

**Raoul: **Actually WE'RE ENGAGED!!

_Phantom:_ (underneath Opera House) WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! (slams down door with costume in hand)

_Meg:_ Then stop hitting on me you womanizer!

**Raoul: **But… but…

_Meg: _(suddenly getting an idea) My good sir, you must try some of these sausages! (rams several fistful of the finger food down Raoul's throat) Oh dear, I bet you're quite thirsty now.

**Raoul: **(nods in terror)

_Meg:_ Then please wash it down with some PUNCH! (squirts several cups inside Raoul's already crammed mouth) Oh hello Christine! (skips off)

**_Christine:_** Raoul… how many times must I _tell _you to chew, swallow, AND THEN get some more food?

**Raoul: **Meff, mull, medle, GULP! (finally swallows food) Thank goodness I have a big throat and am used to getting stuff stuck in it!

**_Christine:_** Oh come on. Let's dance and try not to embarrass me!

Narrator: And then the band began to play!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

**_ENTERTAINERS #1!:_** Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!

**_ENTERTAINERS #2!:_** MASQUERADE!

**_ENTERTAINERS #3!:_** Hide your face so the world will never find you!

_Phantom: _Oh for god's sake… STOP THAT WORTHLESS AND POINTLESS AND ANNOYING SINGING!

**_EVERYONE IN ROOM:_** GASP! IT'S THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

_Phantom: _Really? You could tell it was me? But I have a skull mask that covers my whole face!

**Andre**: Well we assume that anyone who interrupts a party is you.

_MG:_ Kind of like last week when you went to your cousin's surprise party and when the clown interrupted the ceremony you started to cry?

**Andre**: Oh shut up. It looked like him! (points to Phantom)

_Phantom:_ Hi, excuse me! Focus back on me people!

**_Carlotta:_** And you call ME a Prima Donna!

_Phantom:_ Hey! Could I get some spotlight over here Chet?

**_Chet:_** They don't pay me enough. (swings spotlight over to Phantom)

_Phantom:_ Have you missed me good messieurs?

**Firmin**: Where were you anyway?

_Phantom:_ Umm… away on important business. Family obligation you know.

Narrator: (chuckle, chuckle)

_Phantom:_ Wanna chuckle again? (whips out lasso)

Narrator: (stunned silence)

_Phantom: _I have written you an OPERA! (throws various sheets of paper at the managers)

**Firmin**: But it's just a bunch of doodles!

_Phantom: _(loud and booming) SILENCE! (whining) It's art!

**Andre: **There, there… OF COURSE it's art! And very good art at that!

_Phantom:_ (sniff) Really?

**Andre:** Yes, of course!

_Phantom: _Thank you… (suddenly sees Christine and remembers why he came in the first place) YOU!!!

**_Christine_**: Me??? (looks around in confusion) Do I KNOW you?

_Phantom:_ Don't play coy with ME little missy! You were supposed to give your love to ME…

Narrator: (sings excitedly) FOR LOVE IS BLIND!!

_Phantom: _Yes… erm… anyway, INSTEAD you gave your love to the fop! You are doooooooooooomed!

**_Christine:_** What's your name? Perhaps it will match up with the list. (whips out a very lengthy scroll of names)

_Phantom/_**Raoul**: Oh my god!

**_Christine:_** Oh look Raoul! You're right at the top with a bunch of doodle hearts!

**Raoul: **Phew…

**_Christine:_** Right next to SOME guy named Erik!

_Phantom: _THAT'S MY NAME!

**_EVERYONE IN ROOM_**: It is?

**Raoul: **Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

**_Christine: _**Yeah, but there isn't any doodle hearts next to it. It just says in big bold words FRIEND/MENTOR/JAIL WARDEN

_Phantom:_ I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

**_Christine: _**Works for me.

**Raoul: **I'm feeling a little nervous here Christine…

**_Christine: _**Well at least I remember YOU unlike anyone else on this list.

**Raoul: **Let me see that list… (grabs scroll and reads aloud) Roger Davis? Leopold Bloom? Marius? Billy Flynn? PIANGI????!!!

**_Piangi_**: Oh yeah… heheh…

**_Carlotta:_** GASP!

**Raoul: **Orin Scrivello? Sweeny Todd? Radames? HARRY FREAKING POTTER!???!!!

**_Christine:_** Like I said… don't remember any of them.

**Raoul/**_Phantom:_ But HARRY POTTER of ALL PEOPLE!!

**_EVERYONE ELSE:_** This is becoming exceedingly awkward.

_Phantom: _To make a long story short, Piangi you suck, Carlotta you suck, Managers you suck, and Christine is amazing. She's cast in the lead. Fire some people and make it happen eh?

**_Christine:_** YAY! IT'S A PIRATE/BRITISH/BEAR/CANADIAN!

_Phantom:_ Umm… YOUR CHAINS ARE STILL MINE! You belong to ME!! (stabs Raoul and leaves)

**Raoul: **He killed me!

**_Christine: _**NOOOO!!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE AN ALMOST WIDOW!!!

**Raoul:** Oh wait… no he didn't… I was wearing armor underneath this outfit.

**_Christine:_** Why??

**Raoul:** Before my mother died (gets misty eyed) she told me "Son, you best always wear some armor when you're going to a party. You never know what loon might show up that wants your girl and tries to kill you."

**_Christine:_** That was oddly prophetic of her.

**Raoul:** Sure was!

_Phantom: _DAMMIT!!!!

Narrator: And so the party ended on a good note. Raoul finally did something weird but right and only two people drunk themselves to death. But none of them were prepared for the tragedy and the trauma ahead of them.

**A/N:** **Oh the joys of copy and paste. That's probably my weirdest (but longest) chapter yet. I'm so sorry… anyway, please drop a review! It makes my day to know that people are actually reading this story. :D**


	9. A Dark and Mysterious Past

**A/N: I'm back after a long and extended absence. So sorry but I've been busy trying to be a good student and raise my grades. (uncomfortable silence) Moving on… please enjoy!! **

**Disclaimer: If you think that I own the Phantom of the Opera then a disaster beyond your imagination shall occur! I don't own that line by the way either. **

Narrator: When we last saw our friends the odd and certainly eventful Masquerade Party had come to a close. Christine went to go sleep in her old room for sentimental reasons (Raoul never really questioned the thought that the Phantom has a one-way mirror in her room… oh well!) and Raoul was on the prowl for some answers. Or if not answers then maybe some more of those delectable sausages…

**Raoul: **Hmm… I think the kitchens are downstairs and to the left…

_MG:_ Raoul! Fancy meeting you here in the dark hallway! Just so you know, I couldn't possibly tell you anything about the Phantom's past.

**Raoul: **Wait… so you know something about his past?

_MG: _(mysteriously) Do I?

**Raoul: **You tell me right now you old… old… old woman!

_MG:_ Oh ouch… Raoul that hurt… (rolls eyes and starts to walk down hallway again)

**Raoul: **There's a lot more where the came from! Now tell me for the sake of Christine!

_MG_: Umm… let me think… ah no.

**Raoul: **For my sake?

_MG_: I hate you.

**Raoul: **For the Managers' sakes?

_MG_: They tried to fire me last week.

**Raoul: **For Carlotta and Piangi's sakes?

_MG:_ Do I even need to respond to that?

**Raoul:** Shoot, you're right. Well I guess that nothing I say can persuade you to talk… darn. (begins to leave)

_MG_: Wait… so that's it? You're done trying? Already?

**Raoul:** Erm… yeah. That's all I got.

_MG_: You're not going to give me a puppy face or try to blackmail me into telling you or… or guilt me into it?

**Raoul:** Nah, I'm more interested in finding something to eat or some hair gel than learning about some stupid old pervert and how he got that way. (continues to leave)

_MG_: You passed the test! You may now learn about the Phantom!

**Raoul: **That's okay… maybe some other time.

_MG:_ SIT!!

**Raoul: **Okay. (is forced into a seat by MG)

_MG_: Oh it was such a long time ago… I can hardly remember anymore…

**Raoul**: Yeah… cuz you're old and senile right?

_MG:_ Your hair looks stupid.

**Raoul:** (gasp!) Egad woman! Do you _want _to shatter my soul?

_MG_: Well now that you mention it…

**Raoul**: Well as long as I'm just sitting here… would you _please _hurry up with the story! (begins to whine) I miss my Chrissy-Poo!

_MG_: Alright then… don't get your thong in a bunch… (ahem!) It was a long time ago… I was visiting a twisted and demented traveling fair because my friends bet me two dollars that I would be maimed in less than two minutes. I thought it would be in more than five.

(FLASHBACK!)

_Young MG_: Ew… ew, ew, ew!!!! These guys need to take a shower!

**_Circus Man_**: Come up and see… (takes a deep breath) THE YOUNG BOY WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO SELF-ESTEEM!! His mother abandoned him at the age of three days and he's been with us ever since! We make it a point to completely shatter his soul!

_Young MG_: That sounds so cruel and barbaric… why would you witness such a sad event? (pauses a moment) Ah, what the heck! Bring on the tissues and runny mascara people! (enters tent and takes a seat in the crowd)

**_Circus Man #2_**: And now… we bring you… THE YOUNG BOY WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO SELF-ESTEEM!!! (brings out a boy with a bag over his head) He suffers from the false notion that his face is horribly disfigured and maimed!

_Young MG_: Hmm… I might need some popcorn for this… (spots a vendor) HEY YOU!!! One popcorn please!

**_Circus Man #2_**: Drum roll Puhlease!! (drum roll) And… ABRA CADABRA! (pulls off bag)

_Young Erik:_ AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!!!! IT MAKES ME… UNCOMFORTABLE!!!! (frantically covers face in hands)

_Young MG:_ GASP!!!! (munch, munch) He has absolutely (munch) no self-esteem!

_Young Erik_: NOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH!!!!????

_Young MG_: Uh-oh… (holds stomach in pain) Guilty feelings are invading my insides again! Or it could be the popcorn…

_Young Erik_: (attempts to slit wrists with pebbles in his cage) WHHHYYY???

_Young MG_: (sigh) Okay… it's NOT the popcorn! DAMMIT!!! (sighs again) I guess I should help him in some way… (throws a small bottle of pills into cage) HERE KID!! TAKE SOME ANTI-DEPPRESANTS!! THEY'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!!

_Young Erik_: (sniff) What's this? Kindness in the darkness! (pause) (to himself) Of course not… Smeagol… nobody likes _you_, preciousssss!

**_Audience:_** Huh?

_Young Erik_: (now back to normal) Oh… WHHHYYY??? (begins to bang head against ground and screaming)

_Young MG_: Oh dear lord…

(END FLASHBACK!!)

_MG:_ So I took him to the Opera House with me where he lives to this very day.

**Raoul:** Well… that was certainly a creepy story before bed… The Phantom has a split personality named Smeagol?

_MG_: (snorts) But of course! Where else did you think J.R.R. Tolkien got the idea for his book?

**Raoul:** Who?

_MG:_ Oh never mind… anyway the alter ego went away with lots of therapy. It only comes out occasionally now.

**Raoul:** Well… now that I know the Phantom's _"dark and mysterious secret_" can I go now?

_MG: _I suppose that would be appropriate… seeing as how you know everything there is to know…

**Raoul:** He doesn't happen to be addicted to those anti-depressant pills…

_MG_: Good heavens no!! As far as I know he never took any!!

**Raoul:** Well that's definitely a comfort… the last thing we need is a murderous Phantom on the loose while loaded off prescription pills… good night Madam Giry!

_MG_: Goodnight fophead! (vanishes in a puff of smoke)

**Raoul:** You know what? That's a pretty nifty trick! I wonder how she… oh look! I found the kitchens!

Narrator: Meanwhile… down in the Phantoms dark and stinky lair…

_Phantom:_ Aahh… nothing like a good dose of anti-depressants to put you to sleep! (lies down in his coffin bed) (yawns) Goodnight… precious. (snore)

**A/N: Okay… depressingly short and probably makes no sense but a short update is better than none right? Anyway, please review! I don't own Smeagol or the precious by the way… it's from the creators of Lord of the Rings!**


	10. Yo

**A/N: I'm back again!! Yayness!! Technically I shouldn't be working on this one quite yet (trying to circulate through my stories evenly) but I just kind of felt like writing this. Enjoy! Oh by the way, this will be from a scene from the play that I sorely missed in the movie… (sob) Well, actually two scenes. The first will be Notes 2 and the second will be Don Juan Rehearsals. Then it shall continue like normal. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera**

Narrator: The next morning (long after the opera had been cast, I might add, by the Managers) the entire Opera House was in an uproar. The Managers and various other members had received letters from the Opera Ghost.

**Firmin;** WTF!!! I got another letter!!!

**Andre:** Well what do you know!! Me too!!

**Firmin**: I wonder what that blasted Phantom wants this time… (reads aloud)

_Firmin,_

_You're such a loser! You have to fire some chorus members because they're losers too!! Find out which ones can actually sing in tune and fire the rest! Did I mention you're such a loser?_

_O.G._

**Andre: **That's kind of like mine… (reads aloud)

_Andre,_

_Yo, you need to fire some of those orchestra people. There's this one guy that can't play in tune… unfortunately I don't know his name or his instrument because I only care about singing. Find out who he is and fire him immediately!_

_O.G._

**Firmin: **Who does his think is?? Ordering us around like servants… feh!

**Andre**: Now Firmin… we mustn't lose our temper. We can't afford to lose _ANOTHER_ sceneshifter now can we?

**Firmin**: Oh blast it all… you're right. The ones we have now we have to pay extra because everyone else is too afraid to go up there after...

**_Carlotta_**: I 'ATE ALL OF YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!

**Andre**: Egad… you _ate_ us?? Then why aren't we all in your stomach?

**_Piangi_**: You must add the "h" in there… her accent prevents her from making most sounds similar to it.

**_Carlotta_**: I got e letter dat sez I am not to play ze role!!! Christiiiiiine is!!

Narrator: Just then, Christine and Raoul entered the same room and overheard all the angry words being passed in there.

**_Christine:_** I've got the lead?? YIPPEE!!!!

**_Carlotta_**: Why you little!! (Carlotta pulls fist back to punch Christine's lights out)

Narrator: Luckily for Christine, Madam Giry came in at that moment with yet another letter.

_MG_: I'VE GOT A NOOOOOOTTEE!!! (waits for everyone to quiet down then begins to read aloud)

_Dear… People,_

_I'm sure you have noticed I have left you various instructions concerning Don Juan Triumphant. Now I have a few more for you. _

_Piangi, you're way too fat and the only reason you have the part of Don Juan is because you are the only male within a hundred yards willing to wear the costume. _

_Carlotta is a hag and should die a horrible, painful death. _

_The Managers are imbeciles who need to realize that they are only here for show. I'm the one who runs this operation, yo. _

_The ballet girls need some help. Seriously. Less starving and more nutrition so that maybe they can focus enough on their dance steps to actually perform them._

_And as for Christine… she would do wonderfully as the lead. If she weren't such a tramp I would totally still give her lessons so that she could improve and be the greatest thing opera has ever seen. Unfortunately, she IS a tramp and I hate her right now._

_I'm sorry Christine… I don't mean it!! Come back to me!!_

_Anyway, if you don't obey me then I'll break a chandelier or something weird like that. _

_O.G._

**Firmin**: OH NO!! NOT THE CHANDELIER!!

**Andre**: Who would come to our operas if there wasn't an overrated and completely unnecessary chandelier hanging perilously over the audience?

**_Carlotta_**: Excuse me! Not the probleeem right now!! 'Ave you seeen the size of my pert? (shows others her scripted part)

Script: _Carlotta dances on the stage in a cheap and tasteless outfit. She then promptly stops in the center and begins to open her mouth to sing. Just then, a violent crowd rushes to her and begin shooting her with rather large machine guns. Her body is then taken to the back of the stage and forgotten._

**Firmin**: Oh come now, is that really necessary? We all know he doesn't like her but honestly!

**Raoul:** And it's written hastily in pencil… I think he may have just added that in at the last second when he realized Carlotta still needed a part.

**_Christine:_** Wow… you think?? By the way, what's a tramp?

**_Carlotta_**: This obviously all Christine's fault!! THE LITTLE TRAMP!!

**Andre and Firmin**: We agree with you… but we must follow the Phantom's orders!

**_Christine_**: What's a tramp!! (in a high and whiny voice)

**Raoul:** Hey! There must be a way to stop the Phantom!

_MG_: Yeeeeeaaaahhh… good luck with that.

**Raoul:** (light bulb) But you surely know some sort of weakness he might have… something to stop him.

_MG:_ (dramatically) I cannot tell you! But I can tell you what it sounds like. Pristine.

**Raoul:** I don't know what that's supposed to be!!

**_Christine:_** Umm… guys?

**Managers:** Christine must go through with the opera!

**Raoul:** Hey! Christine doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to!

**Managers:** But the chandelier

**_Carlotta:_** I for one am fine with 'er dropping out!

**_Christine:_** Now this is just getting insulting…

**Raoul:** She won't go through with it! It's far too dangerous!

Narrator: And then a shouting match ensues. Christine feels stuck in the middle and suddenly very, very afraid. Plus, she just really wants her original question answered. She has no idea what a tramp is supposed to be. Eventually it got to the point where Christine could no longer stand the arguing over whether she would perform in the play or not.

**_Christine_**: HEY!! I'M THE STAR AND I SAID STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOOOOPP!!

**_Everyone Else_**: Whoa…

**Raoul: **You see! I told you! She's too afraid to go into the Phantom's play!

**_Christine:_** I'm just sick of everyone trying to decide what it is that I'll do!

_MG:_ Oh sweetie, didn't you ever notice? That's all we ever do. Without us telling what's right and wrong you would be a complete mess!

**_Christine:_** (gasp!)

**Raoul:** It's really not so bad… having someone think for you Christine.

**_Christine:_** (gasp!) Well I'm going to make my own decision about this! (pouts)

**Managers**: (sigh) All right, you can decide. Will you perform or not?

**Raoul:** You've got about… (glances at pocket watch) three minutes to decide love. No pressure.

**_Christine:_** (dramatically) OH RAOUL! Don't make me do this! Your plan is bound to fail and when it does I shall be gone forever!

**Raoul:** Two and a half minutes left.

**_Christine:_** When he takes me… he'll always be there! (Carlotta rolled her eyes and whispered 'well duh' to Piangi) He'll always be there singing songs in my head! (begins to cry)

**_Carlotta:_** She's gone #& mad!

**Raoul: **(sigh) You don't have to if you don't want to. Two minutes left. And I'm not trying to be insensitive or whatever but all of our hopes and prayers rest on you.

**_Christine:_** (no longer really paying attention) Twisted every way what answer can I give? Am I to risk my life to win the chance to live?

**Raoul: **One and a half minutes left.

**_Christine:_** Can I betray the man who once inspired my voice? (Raoul makes a face) Do I become his prey? (Raoul looks more enthusiastic) Do I have any choice he kills without a thought… he murders all that's good! I know I can't refuse (delighted looks from the managers) and yet I wish I could.

**Raoul:** Grr…

**_Christine: _**Oh god if I agree what horrors wait for me… in this the Phantom's opera?

**Managers:** That's weird… that last bit you sang sounds a lot like the title of this whole musical!

_Narrator:_ They all stared at the Managers uncomfortably.

**Raoul: **Oh Christine… give me a hug! (proceeds to try and give Christine a simple affectionate hug)

**_Christine:_** NO! Get away from me! (runs off stage in tears)

_MG:_ (shakes head sadly) I knew her using her brain would be too much for her. (runs after Christine)

**Raoul: **Women and their hormones… (curses silently to himself)

**Managers**: Well, we got what we wanted. Cheerio, see you all at practice later today.

_Narrator: _And soon play rehearsals commenced for Don Juan Triumphant. Madam Giry had calmed poor Christine (whose head ached for quite a while after thinking so hard) and convinced her to attend as well. Unfortunately, they were having some problems with Piangi…

**_Piangi_**: Those who BLAH with Don Juan!

**_Conductor_**: I think the line is "Those who TANGLE with Don Juan". Please try again Monsieur Piangi.

**_Piangi_**: Those who BLAH with Don Juan!

**_Conductor_**: IT'S TANGLE! TANGLE, NOT BLAH!!!

**_Piangi_**: It's my accent… I am so sorry…

**_Conductor:_** I understand you have an accent but… this is just ridiculous!

**_Carlotta:_** It sounds better this way. It makes more sense than what that wrinkled old fart wrote!

_MG:_ (mysteriously slipping into the practice room) I would not speak ill of the composer…

**_Everyone Else:_** How do you DO that?

_MG:_ Beware the Phantom of the Opera… hold your hands at the level of your eyes… (disappears)

**_Everyone Else:_** WHAT?!

_Narrator: _And then a screaming match ensued. Carlotta looked like she was going to tear apart any who dared speak to her and some were screaming at Piangi to get the line right. Meanwhile, the poor Conductor was trying his best to calm everyone down. Then… suddenly…

**_Piano:_** (plays Don Juan Triumphant perfectly but no one is pressing the keys)

**_Everyone Else:_** (sings Don Juan as if in a trance)

**_Christine:_** Wow… everyone but me is in a weird zombie state and singing a ridiculous opera song when they sucked before. Perhaps I should just leave… (skips out of the room into a cab waiting for her outside of it)

"**_Cab Driver Who is Really The Phantom": _**Where to little Miss. Sexy! (eyes lowcut dress approvingly)

**_Christine:_** Oh, the usual.

**_CDWIRTP_**: Alright! To the old, creepy and dismal cemetery we go!

_Narrator:_ Christine, never suspecting that the Phantom has whacked all of her cab drivers so that he could drive her instead all these years to the cemetery, willingly accepted the ride to her father's grave. Why on earth she decided to go there, I wouldn't know. Perhaps it was for dramatic plotline…

**A/N: Meh… I don't like this chapter as much. Just so you know. Well, tune in next time to see what will happen now! I will say that it includes hypnotic beams and a return of a not-so-dead person. Review!**


	11. Raoul, Christine, Phantom, Daddy!

**A/N: I'm back again! I'm not going to let the fact that alerts aren't working stop me from posting! (puts on war face) Anyway, I hope you all who have been following this story enjoy this chapter!! A quick shout out to all of my unsigned reviewers. I want to make sure you all are recognized too!! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera**

Narrator: The stylish carriage sped along the ground as the plot continued to thicken. Christine was of course patient and didn't try the Phantom's patience once…

_**Christine**_: Are we there yet?

_**Cab Driver Who is Really the Phantom**_Not yet.

_**Christine**_: Are we there yet?

_**CDWIRTP**_: Nooo…

_**Christine**_: Oh poo… how about now?

_**CDWIRTP**_: NO, NOW SHUT UP!!

Narrator: The rest of the ride passed in an awkward silence until the cab finally pulled up at a dark and mysterious looking cemetery.

_**Christine**_: Well if you think that _you're _getting a tip then you better just forget it! (storms out)

_**CDWIRTP**_: (to himself) I'm going to have to try and change my stalking habits. (rushes off to prepare his diabolical plot)

_**Christine**_: Yeah, you better run!

Narrator: Christine proceeded to wander amongst the various graves and thought about her dead father and how much she missed him. She finally comes to stop at a handsome stone whose etched words were no longer visible and she began to sing to it.

_**Christine:**_ Wishing you were somehow here again… knowing it's physically impossible because you're a horrendous rotting corpse six feet below. (suddenly stops singing) You know, it's all your fault that I'm messed up Dad! If you had just _not _died I would be perfectly normal right now! (begins to beat at the headstone in fury)

_**Passerby**_: Um… excuse me miss but that's my grandmother's grave.

_**Christine:**_ (blushes) Oh… erm… right. Sorry. (hurriedly leaves) Huh… I wonder where my Dad's grave is. I've been talking to that one for that past three years! (wanders aimlessly again)

Narrator: Little did little Christine know that she was about to receive an unexpected visitor.

_**Old Man**_: Oh my gosh! Christine! There you are my daughter! (hugs Christine)

_**Christine**_: Eww… you're old.

_**Christine's Father**_: Don't you remember me Christine? I'm your father!

_**Christine:**_ No… my father is dead. He's been dead since I was five years old! Or at least I look five in those flashbacks…

_**Father**_: I'm not dead you ninny! I've been alive this whole time!

_**Christine**_: Feh, there's no way I'm gonna fall for that!

_**Daddy**_: No, it was a big misunderstanding! Our neighbor died and I made the mistake of saying that 'He was like a father to Christine' and before I knew it you didn't know me anymore! You convinced a suspicious looking cabby driver take you to Paris and I never saw you again!

_**Christine**_: (begins to cry) Why must you taunt me? My father is dead and nothing can change that! I would believe a disembodied voice coming from a fancy grave more than you!

_**Daddy Dearest**_: But Christine, please…

_**Christine**_: I can't listen to you for another minute! (runs away and still crying to a fancy stone grave. It's much fancier than any of the others)

_**Fancy Grave**_: Ha! I'm better than the other graves!

_**Christine:**_ Oh! I must cry on this random grave now! (sob)

_Phantom_: Wow… who would have thought that her dad was really alive? ¡ES UN SORPRESA! Anyway, I better make sure this hypno beam is working properly so that this will work. (clears throat)

_**Christine**_: Oh I'm so sad and my dress is so low cut! It makes me much too chilly!

_Phantom_: Oh… my… god… (clears throat again loudly) (begins to sing) Wandering child so lost, so helpless. Yearning for my guidance.

Narrator: And the beautiful angelic voice that came from the grave put Christine in a trance. Basically. I'm sure the hypno beam helped things along too that the Phantom had set up. Anyway, Christine once more thought that it was the spirit of her father come to save her… from something. But that doesn't mean that she wasn't a little suspicious at first.

_**Christine**_: Angel or father? Friend or father? Who is there staring at me creepily?

_Phantom_: Have you forgotten your…

_**Christine**_: OH FATHER IT _IS_ YOU!!

_Phantom:_ (to himself) Well she didn't let me finish but whatev. It worked out. (to Christine) Yes, it is I! Your dead father!

_**Real Daddy**_: BUT I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!

_Phantom_: Oh bugger… (pulls out a huge cane and grabs daddy and throws him offstage) That's better! COME TO YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC!! THE REAL ONE THIS TIME!

_**Christine**_: (after receiving full blast of the Phantom's hypnotic beam) Yes… yes master!

_Phantom_: Well that's certainly a nice touch…

Narrator: Suddenly, just when the Phantom's plan MIGHT have worked for once, Raoul came bursting onto the scene.

**Raoul:** I am here to save you Christine! (runs to Christine)

_Phantom_: Damn and blast! (tries to catch Raoul in his hypno beam)

**Raoul**: (Stares blankly for a moment) You know, those things don't work on me. My therapist tried the same thing on me and it never worked.

_Phantom_: …

**Raoul:** Anyway, Christine! He is not your dead father! He is the Phantom of the Opera!

_**Daddums from Offstage**_: I'M NOT DEAD!

**Raoul**: Yeah right, like I would fall for something _that _stupid!

_Phantom_: Hmm… I have two choices. I could stay up here hidden from you and possibly still get Christine to go with me. On the other hand, I could jump down in plain sight and forever lose Christine's trust in me and have a sword fight with Raoul. (pause) BOMB'S AWAY!!! (jumps off of grave)

_**Christine**_: GASP!! You're not my daddy!

_Phantom_: Well, I certainly hope not. If I really were then all of the thoughts I've been thinking about you for practically all of your womanhood would sent me straight to jail!

_**Christine**_: Aww… did you hear that Raoul? He's been thinking about me!

**Raoul:** HEY! (points at Phantom) KEEP YOUR DIRTY THOUGHTS AWAY FROM MY WOMAN!

_Phantom_: (growls like a rabid dog) _YOUR_ WOMAN? She belongs to _ME!_

_**Christine:**_ I'm insulted! I don't belong to anyone!

**Raoul **and _Phantom_: Shut _UP _Christine!

_**Christine**_: GASP! I've never been so appalled in my…

**R **and _P_: SWORD FIGHT!!

_**Swords**_: CLANK, CLING, CLUNK, CA_SHING_!

_**Christine**_: Ooooh! Sound effects!

**Raoul**: I'm kinda tired…

_Phantom_: Me too.

**Raoul: **Riding bareback on a smelly horse for miles on end to catch up with Christine's speeding coach and desperately hoping that I wasn't too late to save her soul and practically having an ulcer over it can be pretty exhausting.

_Phantom_: Yeah, so can climbing up that ridiculous tomb and staying up all night planning a diabolical scheme.

**Raoul**: Wow… you win this one.

_Phantom_: (to himself) Idiot.

**Raoul**: What do you say we just call it quits?

_Phantom_: Alright… I'll even make it look like you win! (to himself) Like that could ever really happen. And this way I will be the one to get all of Christine's sympathy.

**Raoul**: COOL!!! (trips Phantom)

_Phantom_: Oh no… oh dear. Whatever shall I do?

**Raoul**: I'M GONNA STAB YOU NOW!!

_**Christine**_: GASP! Raoul, don't!

_Phantom_: (smirk)

_**Christine**_: You'll get his blood all over that sexy shirt!

_Phantom_: (face falls)

**Raoul**: Holy crap… you're right! (puts sword away) Quick thinking Christine!

_**Christine**_: GASP! (gets all teary eyed) No one has _ever _said that to me before!

**Raoul**: Come on… let's go!

_Phantom: _WHAT?!?!?! Christine… (puppy face) I'm _hurt!_

_**Christine**_: Oh you poor thing…

**Raoul:** Come on, nothing to see. It's just a scratch I bet! (throws Christine on the sweaty and tired horse) AWAY!

_**Horse**_: I swear… if he says that again! And he better not be wearing spurs this time… (takes off at a gallop)

_Phantom_: (sniff) NOW LET IT BE WAR UPON YOU BOTH!!! (sniff) Not really Christine though. I'm just saying it cuz I'm P.O.ed. (does the swirly cape thingy and magically disappears)

_**Random Small British Children**_: GASP!! (look at each other in awe at the spot where the man had disappeared)

_**Random Small British Boy**_: (whispers) Everybody make a wish…

Narrator: Back at the Opera House… Raoul quietly discusses his plan of action to save Christine with the Managers.

**Raoul: **Well, now that we're all here out in this open bit of Opera House underneath the rafters that the Phantom _usually_ occupies…

**Firmin**: This had better be pretty important…

**Raoul: **I just want to say… (takes a deep breath) WE SHOULD LET CHRISTINE SING THE LEAD BECAUSE THAT WAY THE PHANTOM WILL GO! THEN WE CAN STATION ARMED POLICEMEN OUTSIDE OF EVERY DOOR AND AT THE STAGE WITHIN FIRING RANGE OF BOX FIVE! WHICH I WILL SIT IN BY THE WAY AS BAIT!

**Firmin**: Good god man! Lower your voice! Don't you think he could possibly hear you at that voice level?

**Andre**: DON'T BE SILLY FIRMIN! THERE IS NO PHYSICAL WAY FOR HIM TO HEAR US!!

**Firmin**: YOU'RE RIGHT! HOW SILLY OF ME! IT'S NOT LIKE HE ALWAYS KNOWS EVERYTHING AND LURKS EVERYWHERE AROUND THE OPERA HOUSE OR ANYTHING STUPID LIKE THAT!! CARRY ON _RAOUL_!

**Raoul**: WHEN THE PHANTOM IS WITHIN FIRING DISTANCE THE MEN WILL SHOOOOT HIM AND KIIIIILLL HIM!!! AS IN NO LONGER LIVING!!

**Firmin**: OH, LIKE AS IN HIS BODY WILL BE A MANGLED AND BLOODY CORPSE?

**Andre**: AND HE WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO LURK ABOUT BECAUSE HIS BODY CAN NO LONGER BREATH BECAUSE HE IS _**D E A D**_??

**Raoul:** YUP! THAT'S THE IDEA!

**Managers**: GREAT! LET'S DO IT!

**Raoul** and **Managers**: (skip off together while continuing to scream their plan to any who pass)

Narrator: Now that Raoul and the Managers had an… erm… brilliant plan set all that was left was to carry it out. Of course, Christine didn't take too kindly to it at first but Raoul began to persuade her.

_**Christine**_: WTF??? You want to use me as _bait_ to draw the Phantom onto the stage so you can _kill_ him? That's so wrong!

**Raoul**: Well, do you want to catch him ogling you through his one-way mirror again like the creepy pedophile he is?

_**Christine**_: Well that _was_ really creepy and disturbing…

**Raoul**: And it's only so long before he ends up killing _me _out of jealousy and rage…

_**Christine: **_Oh no!

**Raoul**: And you will be forced to live with him underground and guess what…

_**Christine**_: GASP! What?

**Raoul:** Your skin won't be a beautiful creamy anymore… it will be… (pause) _pasty. _

_**Christine:**_ NOOOOOO!!!!!

**Raoul**: So?

_**Christine:**_ Okay, okay… I'll do it already! I don't want you to die… or me to turn (shudder) pasty!

**Raoul**: You won't be sorry Christine! (they make out for several minutes)

Narrator: And so the characters unwittingly threw themselves into more than they could handle for the Phantom also had something up _his _sleeve…

_Phantom: _(writing furiously on scrap paper) Let's see… if I do this and then move this here… and I have… (dramatic music) THE PERFECT STICK FIGURE OF CHRISTINE!!

Narrator: Well… hopefully he will have a plan soon. I mean, to just make it up as he goes and hopes it turns out well would be stupid. Right? (pause) Oy vay…

**A/N: Hee. I dunno, for some reason I had a GREAT time writing this. (shrugs) Whatever. Please review! Oh, and sorry I randomly had the Phantom speaking Spanish but I couldn't pass up the opportunity. And the whole "Random British Children" came from Harry Potter Puppet Pals. If you haven't seen one before, go to YouTube or google their website and watch some. Seriously, it's amazing. If you watch the one called "Wizard Angst" and you'll find the line that I used for this story and you might understand why I chose that particular line. xD'**

**Translation: Es un sorpresa- Is a surprise!**


	12. Raoul's Plan and Points of No Return

**A/N: Wow… can I even BEGIN to say how sorry I am?? If any of you looked at my profile, you may have the excuse already but I'll retell it to those who weren't desperate enough to look at my profile. Basically, I've been stuck without a computer with the right format for FanFiction for nearly two months. This means that I wasn't even able to put up an Author's Note explaining the absence. Again, I'm so sorry. I really missed writing all of my stories. **

**Anyway, despite that I've been really looking forward to this scene. A quick explanation, since there's a bit going on between what's happening on stage and in the various box seats, I had to switch between them both quite frequently. This means that whenever you see Raoul or the Managers talking then the song "Point of No Return" is still going on. That said, read and enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Phantom of the Opera. Do I **_**look**_** like Andrew Lloyd Webber to you? I should certainly hope not. **

Narrator: Later that very week, the Phantom's "brilliant" play "Don Juan Triumphant" was premiering at the Opera House. No one seemed to know what it was about but practically everyone in Paris showed up anyway for the opening night.

And in some Phantom news, everything was going according to Raoul's ingenious plan. The Police he hired to commit the killing were filing inconspicuously into the Opera House…

_**Police Man:**_ (shouting at the top of his lungs) SINGLE FILE AND THROUGH THE MAIN ENTERANCE MEN! MAKE SURE EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE COMING THROUGH!

_**Police Men:**_ Yes SIR! (march loudly up Opera steps while singing a marching song and performing some practice shots randomly from their guns towards the growing audience)

Narrator: The Manager's were cool, calm, and collected as always…

**Andre**: Oh no, oh no, oh no… WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK!?!?!?!

**Firmin:** (cries loudly into a handkerchief)

Narrator: And Christine was in the sexy outfit that Madam Giry had made a seamstress make for her and was preparing to go on stage.

_**Christine:**_ DAMN THESE CORSETS!! THEY NEVER LACE RIGHT!! (continues to struggle with the corset laces)

Narrator: Luckily, _this _part of the plan went right because Madam Giry came in at some point and finally laced up Christine's corset in time for the play. So that would be… 1 out of the 3 parts so far needed for Raoul's plan to work. Promising. So, the stage lights went up and the curtain was drawn as the opera began.

_**Singers**_: (sing lots of offensive metaphors and sexual innuendos)

_**Audience:**_ Our ears! (clutch ears painfully)

_**Carlotta**_: It's-a time for my part! (dances up into the middle of the stage)

Narrator: Now, the Managers had put fake bullets into all the guns for those who were in the opera but it seemed they forgot to take one thing into account. They didn't count on audience members revolting.

_**Random Girl**_: YOUR SINGING MUST STOP!!! (pulls out a large revolver and rushes up to the stage)

_**Carlotta**_: Eek! (runs away from the crazy girl)

_**Random Girl**_: GET BACK HERE! (runs offstage after Carlotta)

_**Singers:**_ (continue on without flinching)

_**Audience**_: Now THAT was the best part so far!

Narrator: Fear not Carlotta fans… the girl was caught and restrained. She DID take a big chunk out of that weird hairstyle that Carlotta had on though, thank goodness.

The show went on.

(BACKSTAGE)

_MG:_ Come on Christine, it's almost your cue!

_**Christine**_: You know, I'm beginning to rethink this. Maybe we should just talk things over with the Phantom instead of killing him…

_MG:_ (not really paying attention) That's nice dear.

(ON STAGE)

_**Piangi**_: (singing) Now my friend, adopt a disguise! Now the girl will think I'm you and will think that you are me but I will know it's me even if she thinks I am you and she will fall in love with me though she thinks it is you and we shall have wonderful night adventures in my room, though she will think the room is yours! MWUAHAHAHAHA!!!

_**Audience**_: Umm… what was the point of that? Why is there a whole OPERA about this? Where could it possibly go from here?

(BACKSTAGE!)

_**Christine**_: I think I'm having an epiphany here Madam Giry! I mean, what is the point of always _fighting _each other? Wouldn't the world be a better and purer place if we all just talked with each other instead of resorting to violence and blowing each others brains out? Perhaps the Phantom wouldn't have been like this if people had just taken the time to _listen _to him…

_MG:_ Yeah, whatever. YOU'RE ON! (throws Christine out onto the stage)

Narrator: Luckily, Christine was quick on her feet when it comes to singing and she stopped in the middle of her thoughtful rant to sing her line. _Un_fortunately though, Christine has a rather small mind and in order to sing her line properly she had to shove everything else out of her mind. This includes her epiphany about the Phantom and World Peace.

What a shame…

(ON STAGE)

_**Christine:**_ (singing) No thoughts within her head but thoughts of joy. No dreams within her heart but dreams of love! (stops singing and speaks) Which is why I'm wearing this totally slutty dress! (sits down innocently and begins to pick invisible flowers).

**Raoul**: I love the smell of certain success in the morning. (inhales deeply and sits back in his seat) This will be a piece of cake!

(BACKSTAGE)

_Phantom_: My fop senses are tingling again. The miserable whelp, otherwise as Raoul, is planning something to get rid of me I'm sure… and those police officers are certainly a warning sign that he wishes to kill me. I just have to find a way to get past them. (puts on sexy black mask and inches past the police officers) Evening gents!

_**Police Men**_: Evening!

_Phantom_: (breathes a sigh of relief and saunters in a relaxed manner the rest of the way to find Piangi)

_**Police Man**_: So who are we supposed to be looking for Bob?

_**Bob**_: Eh, some guy with only half a face or something like that. I don't really know.

_**Police Man**_: Just checking. (goes back to eating a doughnut)

Narrator: Unfortunately for Piangi… the curtain was about to fall. ON HIS LIFE!!

_Phantom_: Hello Piangi…

_**Piangi**_: Who is there?

_Phantom:_ I… am… BATMAN!! (swoops down on Piangi in a very Christian Bale as Batman way with his cape fluttering everywhere)

_**Piangi**_: NOOO!!!! (dies of fear)

_Phantom:_ Works every time…

(ON STAGE)

_Phantom:_ (singing seductively) Passarino… go away for the trap is set and waits for its prey!

"_**Passarino"**_: (to himself) I'm _pretty _sure that the guy I just sang with was short, tubby, and Italian. But then again, I'm totally high anyway so what do I know? (wanders offstage)

_**Christine**_: Huh… that voice sounds oddly familiar. Almost like I've heard it being sung to me for most of my short life…

_Phantom: _You have come here… in pursuit of your deepest urge. In pursuit of that wish which 'till now has been silent… _silent_. (etc., etc.)

_**Men in Audience:**_ WTF?? Who IS that guy?

_**Women in Audience**_: Who CARES??!!!

(BOX SEATS)

**Firmin:** (whispering to Andre) Get the Police Captain up here!

**Andre:** (whispering back) He's already here.

_**Police Captain**_; Hey guys, what up? Is that the guy we're supposed to be shooting at up on the stage there sir? (points to Piangi who was really the Phantom)

**Firmin: **YES!!

(ONSTAGE)

_**Christine**_: (to herself) Wow… Piangi has gotten _**HOT**_! (ogles delightedly)

_Phantom: _Past the point of no return… no backward glances! (to himself) Oh god… Oh god I think this is actually going to work! (hyperventilates a little)

_**Christine**_: (to herself) He _does_ look like the Phantom… but that's IMPOSSIBLE! There's no way that the Phantom could have killed Piangi the way that he killed Buquet and hijacked the stage. I mean, REALLY!

_Phantom_: The games we've played 'till now are at an end… (to himself) Okay, now I need to do some sexy and dramatic cape twirls. One… two… three… NOW!! (sexy cape twirl)

_**Christine**_: (to herself) Ooohh!! Cape twirls!

(MANAGER BOX)

(while _Phantom_ continues to sing)

**Andre:** What are you waiting for? Shoot him already! (stands up in anger)

_**Police Captain**_: Umm… well… what if we didn't?

**Firmin**: Why on Earth would you NOT shoot at him? We're _paying_ you to do this!

_**Police Captain**_: Well… you remember our entrance earlier in the chapter?

**Firmin**: Oh god… did you use _**ALL **_of your bullets up on those practice shots into the audience _again_!?!?!

_**Police Captain**_: Umm… no?

**Andre:** I am thoroughly disgusted with you and your "police services"!! (sits back down angrily)

(ONSTAGE)

_**Christine**_: (stands up) (sleeves continue to fall down) (to herself) Ugh… I _told _the seamstress that she was making the shoulder of the dress too wide. I sometimes wish that woman could speak French… or even English!! (desperately tries to keep sleeves up)

_Phantom_: (to himself) Oh my… she's trying to seduce me. (looks up to the sky) Now I know that there _must _be a God. _Thank you_!

_**Christine**_: (to herself) What is he looking at? (also looks up) Oh look there's Raoul!! HI RAOUL!!! Oh wait… he can't hear me. I'm thinking this to myself. I hope his plan is working out okay for him…

(BOX FIVE)

**Raoul**: (sigh) It's good to be king. Everything is moving perfectly. (blissfully doesn't notice that _**Piangi**_ (who is dead if you may recall) is really the _Phantom_)

_**Police Captain**_: Umm… sir? We have a problem.

(ONSTAGE)

_Phantom_: (singing) What warm unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return

_**Christine**_You have brought me to that moment when words run dry. To that moment when speech disappears into silence… (sees Raoul and beams up at him while waving brightly) _Silence._

_Phantom_: (to himself) Grr… she was waving and winking at him!

(BOX FIVE)

**Raoul:** What do you mean you're out of bullets?

_**Police Captain**_: Umm… shouldn't you be more worried about the fact that the guy you want killed is prancing around the stage poorly disguised as Piangi and is currently romancing your woman?

**Raoul: **Oh… RIGHT! That IS a problem… hmm… (sees Christine's look and completely overreacts) DID YOU SEE THAT?! She's trying to tell me that she's in desperate danger! OH NO!

_**Police Captain**_: Should we pretend to shoot at him to scare him away?

**Raoul**: (ponders) Nah. Christine will be fine. Let's just wait it out a little longer until there's a climatic point in the play. Then the audience will REALLY get their money's worth when we find you more bullets and the bloodshed begins.

_**Police Captain**_: Sounds perfectly reasonable.

(ON STAGE)

_**Christine**_: (slowly advances towards the Phantom in a seductive way) Past the point of no return. No going back now our passion play has now at last begun!

_Phantom_: (to himself) We're going to have a passion play:SQUEE!!: I suppose I shall have to reveal myself to her now. Though I'm sure that her superior intellect has already told her that I am in fact her Angel of Music… her Phantom of the Opera… her Erik.

_**Christine:**_ (to herself) Piangi got REALLY hot…

Narrator: Christine continued to sing to the Phantom as she ascended some long spiraling staircase that was on some sort of seemingly pointless high structure. The Phantom, still awestruck by her beauty and power of seduction (really, who would have thought someone so seemingly innocent was capable of unleashing such a power?) naturally followed her up but on the opposite staircase of said seemingly pointless high structure. Little did either of them know that both of their worlds were going to completely change forever.

And have we all noticed the seemingly pointless and ridiculous tall structure in the middle of the stage? Someone could seriously hurt themselves on that thing!

_**Christine**_: Blood racing, buds blooming, fire consuming[insert desired implied sexual term here, climbing, climbing, okay… I'm at the top! Phew! Damn corset!

_Phantom:_ Now it's time for the real showstopper with the cape… WASHA!! (flings cape off with a flourish)

_**Audience**_: (gasp!) The man is a master of cape twirls!

_Phantom_ and _**Christine**_: Past the point of no return (slowly advancing towards each other lustfully) The final threshold!

Narrator: The Phantom then tried something… daring. He grabbed Christine and spun her into himself so that she was pressed against him. All of his fantasies came true in that moment.

Unfortunately, he didn't count on the high beam being so thin and dangerous.

_**Christine**_: EEK! (nearly falls off the ridiculous tall structure) WHAT THE HELL!!?? We practiced this a DOZEN times Piangi and I thought you knew better than to spin me up here!!

_Phantom_: Umm… whoops?

_**Christine**_: (huff) Whatever… let's just keep going…

_Phantom_ and _**Christine:**_ The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn! We've past the point of no return…

_**Female Audience**_: How beautiful! (swoon)

(BOX FIVE)

**Raoul**: (gasp!) She's in his arms… and under his spell!!

Narrator: The Phantom had, of course, shot a few hypno beams towards Christine throughout the show. So Raoul wasn't completely wrong.

**Raoul**: I… I… I LOST!!

_**Police Captain**_: It happens to the best of us sir…

**Raoul: **I am now going to take a leaf out of the book of my original self from Leroux's book… I'm going to cry. A lot.

_**Police Captain**_: Should I leave the box sir?

**Raoul**: Yes, I think that's best. (tear)

(ON STAGE)

_Phantom: _(to himself) Well! Now is as good a time as ever! (to Christine) Say you'll share with me one love… one lifetime. Lead me save me from my solitude.

_**Females:**_ (swoon again)

_**Christine**_: Huh… that tune sounds vaguely familiar…

_Phantom_: Say you'll want me with you here beside you…

_**Christine:**_ Mkay, Piangi is really starting to freak me out.

_Phantom:_ (turns Christine to face him) Anywhere you go let me go too! Christine that's all I ask of…

_**Christine:**_ EEK! STALKER!! (yanks off the Phantom's mask and pelts him with pepper spray) GET AWAY FROM ME PIANGI!

_Phantom: _AAHH!!! HISS!!! (attempts to hide his face) MY HIDEOUS FACE HAS BEEN EXPOSED!!! EVEN _MY OWN_ EYES ARE BURNING FROM THE HIDEOUSNESS!! (obviously not noticing that it was the pepper spray that was burning his eyes)

_**Audience**_: Umm… actually, we never saw anything.

Narrator: We see on the Phantom's face… a small scar about the size of my fingernail. Sure, it had some pus leaking from it and was possibly infected… but nothing to get so worked up over.

_**Christine:**_ (gasp!) It's the Phantom!

_Phantom: _(recovers briefly from his sobs of shame and grief) Uh… DUH! (goes back to emo/angry/shameful mode) YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE!! (cuts a random rope and laughs manically before falling through one of his own trap doors with Christine in tow)

**Andre:** He cut the rope to the chandelier!

**Firmin**: Oh no! Not the extremely overpriced and dangerously positioned chandelier!

_**Audience: **_EEK!! (they flee for the hills)

(UNDER STAGE)

_Phantom: _ Huh… that rope goes to the chandelier? Go figure. (rushes away with Christine)

Narrator: Will Raoul drown in his tears of despair for the loss of his Chrissy-poo? Will the Phantom get away with his heinous crime? Will Christine ever escape the mad man's clutches? And will the Managers ever learn that buying such an expensive chandelier can come to no good? 'Till next time…

**A/N: I don't think this one was as funny as the last chapter, but I guess I'll let you all decide that. It was really kinda hard to write… since this is probably one of my favorite scenes (despite the frustrating behavior from Raoul and The Managers). And I think a certain little reviewer had wanted a chance to shoot Carlotta. Well I put you in the chapter! Yay! Anywho, please drop me some reviews even though I've been gone for two months! **


	13. Some Giry love and Christine's Choice

**A/N: See? I updated a little quicker this time right:D Anyway, I was going to explain something in the last author's note but forgot. Hersheygal asked in a review a couple chapters ago about what the characters were really saying when they said "WTF?" I always meant it as literally "W T F" because… I thought that might be funnier. It can really be thought of any way though. Anyway, a little late in the game to mention this right? Anywho, this is probably second to last chapter since… there are only so many scenes left. (sniffle) This will the second story that I've ended!! It shall be strange. Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera. If I did I assure you there would not be a "Phantom of the Opera 2" coming out. (scowl)**

Narrator: Well, the Phantom is currently dragging Christine down to his lair to make her his… wife for the rest of her life. Christine isn't too pleased with the situation but she isn't exactly fighting him off either.

_**Christine**_: Eww… this passage way is gross! Did you redecorate or something?

_Phantom:_ Yes I did actually… you like? I thought that all the pretty lights were too distracting and wanted to show people what the REAL lair was behind all the glitter and lights was like. You know… all that 'being yourself" jazz.

_**Christine**_: (gasp!) How artistic! (still tries not to touch the walls)

_Phantom_: Yes… I thought so too. Now come on wench!

_**Christine**_: Eek!

Narrator: Raoul was still up in his box office crying his eyes out… just like the Raoul from Leroux's novel. Wussy. Anyway, Madam Giry heard his tears and came looking for him, despite her better judgment.

_**MG:**_ Oh crap… I think Raoul is crying again. (tries to ignore the sounds and leave the burning theater)

**Raoul**: (faint but still audible) Ch-ch-Christiiiiiiinnnneeee!!! (sob, sob) W-w-wh-where are you?????

_**MG:**_ Little baby… (begins to leave but suddenly clutches her stomach) HOLY SHIT! I think I'm having a heart attack! NOOO!!! (suddenly realizes something) Oh… damn. I'm having those stupid guilty feelings again! I thought they went away for good after the last time!

**Raoul**: (singing pitifully) Christine I looooOOOOoooove you!

_**MG:**_ I should just leave… stupid git deserves to burn. I bet his hair will catch fire first because of all that hairspray! (hears Raoul sobbing) (sighs) God dammit.

Narrator: The kind Madam Giry then found Raoul in his box and offered to help him find Christine. Raoul was overjoyed and his tears were dried from his face. At last he had a chance to be gallant. He had the chance to do something noble. He had the chance to do something _right_.

**Raoul:** Eww… I don't want to go down there! It's all gross! And what if he tries to kill me?

_**MG:**_ You will march your little butt down there and you will LIKE it mister!

**Raoul**: (gulp) Yes!

Narrator: And soon the daring duo were headed down to the Phantom's lair through a secret entrance that only Madam Giry knew about. Meg tried to come along but her mother refused to let her go for her daughter's own good.

_**Meg**_: Can I help?

_**MG:**_ No, Meg, no! Could you imagine having both a fop AND a blonde on this trip? It would be utter disaster and I don't want to be blamed for it! (ushers Raoul down the stairway)

_**Meg**_: Stereotypical old witch…

Narrator: Meanwhile, down with the Phantom and Christine, there were many a name calling.

_**Christine**_: You're ugly.

_Phantom_: You're stupid.

_**Christine**_: I hate you.

_Phantom_: I hate you more.

_**Christine**_: No, I hate YOU more.

_Phantom_: No, I hate YOU more.

_**Christine**_: No, I hate YOU more.

_Phantom_: No, I hate YOU more.

_**Christine**_: No, I hate YOU more.

_Phantom_: No, I hate YOU more.

_**Christine**_: Your soul is like a bottomless pit in which all the darkness of the world is sucked into and makes you far less handsome than any scar on your face could make you. You are a cold, shrewd old man that only delights in peeping in on the ballet girls and making life a living hell for anyone around you. In short, your haunted face holds no horror for me now. It's in your soul where the true distortion lies.

_Phantom_: Wait… hang on. You know what the word 'distortion' means? Bravo.

_**Christine**_: Ugh! Just forget it! I'm gonna try your dress on now! (storms off)

_Phantom_: Women… SHEESH!

Narrator: Back with Madam Giry and Raoul…

_**MG:**_ Keep your hand at the level of your eye

**Raoul**: What the freak is that supposed to mean?

_**MG**_: Hand at the level of your eeeeyyeee…

**Raoul: **WTF?

_**MG:**_ We're at step number 52. I can go no further.

**Raoul**: Well… thanks for all your help. (is still confused about the hand thing)

_**MG:**_ Tell Erik hi for me when you get down there!

**Raoul:** Umm… kay… (takes one step down the staircase and suddenly falls down a trick stair)

_**MG:**_ My guiltiest feeling couldn't prevent me from enjoying THAT! (walks away laughing)

Narrator: Alas, Raoul had fallen into a conveniently placed pool of water and soon realized that he had no idea how to swim.

**Raoul**: My hair!!! (struggles to stay on top of the rapidly rising water) Where's the lifeguard in this pool??

Narrator: What happened next was that Raoul began to flail and fall into the water… deeper and deeper until he thought that he was sure to die. That is, until he saw a huge lever that read "Turn Water Off".

**Raoul:** It's my only chance! (flips the lever so conveniently labeled) (water begins to go back down)

Narrator: It would seem that the Phantom would much rather his victims escape the watery doom. What other excuse could he possibly have to own a lever in the rising water chamber that says "turn water off"? Who would be so stupid… oh. Anyway… back downstairs with Phanty and Christine.

_**Christine**_: (comes out in the creepy wedding dress)

_Phantom_: You look hot! By the way, there's no way you're leaving this lair.

_**Christine**_: I'm so not talking to you right now.

_Phantom_: (tauntingly) Looks like you just did!

_**Christine**_: (eyes widen)

_Phantom_: Oh… you're eyes are naturally wide sweetie. Don't manually widen them anymore. It doesn't suit you.

_**Christine**_(scowl)

_Phantom_: What was that?

_**Christine**_: (sniff)

_Phantom_: Wanna talk about my disgusting face some more? It's hideous, right?

_**Christine**_: I think we already covered that earlier. Not much to talk about now.

_Phantom_: AHA!

_**Christine**_: Curse my talkative mouth and short attention span!

_**Somewhere In The Distance**_: CoughSplutterCough!

_Phantom_: WTF is that?

_**Christine**_: It rather sounds like what Raoul would sound like if he were nearly drowned.

_Phantom_: That's interesting… (innocent whistle)

_**Christine**_I think it's getting closer!

_**SID**_: More WATER? (wails)

_Phantom_: He's found the lake it seems…

_**Christine**_: Now it sounds like he's swimming!

_Phantom_: (is surprised) I would have never thought he would have gotten past the trick step! In fact, I never thought he would even start this journey! (suddenly hopeful) Maybe he'll drown on the way here.

_**Christine**_: He was never a strong swimmer…

Narrator: But Raoul did not drown. His fear of Madam Giry kept his little legs and arms thrashing as he slowly crossed the large lake until he found water shallow enough for him to stand in. Then he waded into view of the two skeptics.

**Raoul**: (gasp) I've come to (gasp) save you Christine! (sees Christine standing with Phantom in the Phantom's little throne of music) YAY! (tries to run to Christine but runs straight into the large metal bars separating the two)

_Phantom_: (grin) They always do that…

_**Christine**_: RAOUL!

**Raoul:** AAAAHHH!!!! (holds face tenderly) I think a bruise is coming!

_Phantom_: So good to see you your fopness!

**Raoul**: (remembers why he came) Don't hurt Christine!

_Phantom_: Pssh… what do you take me for? An ABUSIVE pedophile?

**Raoul**: Then please let her go!

_**Christine**_: No Raoul… wait!

**Raoul**: Can't you see that I love her?

_Phantom:_ Well… in that case… I'll let the both of you go.

**Raoul**: Really?

_Phantom_: Nah. ¡Es un chiste! That argument will take you nowhere buddy. I love her too. (Quick translation: Nah, I'm just kidding)

_**Christine**_: Hey! I'm not some piece of meat that you can fight over!

_Phantom_ and **Raoul**: Not now Christine!

_**Christine**_: This seems too familiar…

_Phantom_: Why don't you come in and TRY to get her?

**Raoul**: Hmm…

_**Christine**_: Raoul, don't do it! He's only going to ki-

**Raoul**: Okay!

_Phantom_: (opens gate and lets Raoul in)

_**Christine**_: Oi.

**Raoul**: Now… about Christine… (suddenly looks around lair) Hey, this is pretty nice! Did you get someone down here to redesign for you?

_Phantom_: Actually… yes I did.

**Raoul**: Oh… looks nice!

_Phantom_: (brightly) Thanks! Oh, and by the way… (throws rope around Raoul's neck)

**Raoul**: Aaahhh! Hand at the level of your eye! (sees rope is already around his neck) Damn!

_Phantom_: I've got you now fop! (pulls rope tight) Mwuahahahaha!

**Raoul**: Gack!

_**Christine**_: (gasp!)

_Phantom_: (as he is tying Raoul's arms so he can't escape) So here's the dealie-o… basically what I want to happen is that you (points to Christine) need to pick between me and him (points to Raoul). If you pick me then Your Royal Fopness will live. If you choose him then the Prom Queen will die.

_**Christine**_: What??? (singing) The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold and turn to tears of hate!

**Raoul**: Christine forgive me, please forgive me! (while gasping for air and tearing up again) I did it all for you and all for nothing!

(background music grows more intense)

_**Christine**_: Farewell my fallen angel and false friend!

_Phantom_: Too late for turning back… too late for hopeless prayers and pity!

**Raoul: **Uhh… guys?

(background music grinds to a halt)

**Raoul: **I would love to keep (gasp) doing this but (gasp) I think I'm (gasp) blacking out!

_Phantom_: Shall we move along then?

**Raoul**: Yes please…

_Phantom_: Okey dokey then… Christine, make your choice!

_**Christine**_: Oh… (glances between the two men) this is haaaard!!

**Raoul**: Christine… (gasp) I (gasp) don't (gasp) want (gasp) to (gasp) die!

_Phantom_: Oh how gallant (dryly)

_**Christine**_: (thought she heard Raoul say that he would rather die than see her enslaved) Oh Raoul… how sweet!

_Phantom_: (sigh) Can you hurry this up? Any longer and the only thing I have to use as a bribe might suffocate.

_**Christine**_: I have made my choice!

**Raoul**: (eyes are practically rolling into his head and is turning blue)

_**Christine**_: I choose you! (points to Phantom)

_Phantom_: WTF?? Really?

_**Christine**_: Yup.

_Phantom_: Even though I'm a miserable wretch that is literally tearing your world apart?

_**Christine**_: You're doing what now?

_Phantom_: (tear) Oh no… I'm becoming as emotional as Raoul…

_**Christine**_: Aww…

**Raoul**: (choke)

_Phantom_: Aw crap… I can't keep you here now that you are willing to throw away your life for the man you love. Even if he's a total she-man.

_**Christine**_: Oh… (is feeling a little rejected)

_Phantom:_ Would you go untie him for me? Thanks. I'm too busy trying to contain my bitter tears.

_**Christine**_: (shrug) Sure! Obviously you don't want to make out so what else could I do? (wades through water and quickly unties Raoul while Phantom stares dumbstruck. He had never thought about the possibility of snogging)

_Phantom_: Wait a minute…

_**Christine**_: There you go! (finishes untying Raoul)

**Raoul**: AAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRR!!!!! (gulping in air and rubbing throat)

_**Christine**_: Are you okay?

_Phantom_: Hold the phone… (is still dazed)

**Raoul**: Yeah… I think I'm okay… I saw the light there for a minute though. (pause) So what did I miss?

_**Christine**_: Oh you poor baby… (coos over Raoul)

_Phantom_: Oh… eww. (is still peeved that he missed his big make out moment) Please get out of here before you partake in some disgusting PDA. There's a boat you can take that.

_**Angry Mob**_: Whoa! The dude's lair is down here!

_Phantom_: Did you leave the door open?? (looks at Raoul)

**Raoul**: Madam Giry was supposed to close it on her way out.

_Phantom_: She's a wily one that Giry… (chuckles) (sees Christine and Raoul looking all kissy together) For the love of music would you get out of here? Must you rub my anguish and my loss in my face? SCRAM!

_**Christine**_: Oh… thank you good sir! I'll never forget the way that you lied to me my entire life, kidnapped me at least once, threatened everything I love, tried to force me to become your bride, and nearly killed my fiancé. (tear) Such sweet memories! Bye!

**Raoul**: Christine… will you help me to the boat? My knees are unstable.

_**Christine**_: Aww… (helps Raoul into the boat).

_Phantom_: (sigh)

_**Angry Mob**_: Hey! I think this one is a trick step… watch out!

_**Christine**_ and **Raoul**: (Sail away on the gondola.)

_Phantom_: (muttering) Oh don't worry about me… I'll be fine… (eye roll) (suddenly sees something on the floor) Hey… what's that? (picks up shiny object) It's Christine's engagement ring! She left it as a sign that she really does love me and will think of me always! OH HAPPY DAY!! (skips away to bash all his mirrors in a fit of happiness)

Narrator: However, back in the gondola…

_**Christine**_: (to herself) Oh crud… I dropped my ring back in the lair somewhere. Poor Raoul! He'll be so offended! Gotta cover it up. (to Raoul) Hey hun, what do you think about a new engagement ring? I think the old one has too many bad memories now.

**Raoul**: Sure.

_**Christine**_: (to herself) YESSS!!

Narrator: The mob eventually found the Phantom's lair but found it empty of Opera Ghosts.

_**Meg**_: It's empty… what a shame. He really wasn't that bad looking under the mask. (suddenly sees something) What's that? Is it the Phantom's mask? (looks closer) It is! Oh this means… he's dead! (sob) Poor thing.

_**Angry Mob:**_ So what now?

_**Meg**_: Take whatever looks valuable… maybe we can sell it. He won't need it anymore.

Two hours later

_Phantom_: (enters singing and holding a Starbucks paper cup) And then you say what can make me feel this way? My girl… (stops singing) What the hell happened in here? Everything's gone! (swears) I step out for a latte to go celebrate the fact that the girl I've obsessed over for most of her natural life is truly in love with me because of the ring she left behind and an angry mob comes and robs you! What's up with that?! Where are my anti-depressants? (storms off)

Narrator: And Christine never went back to the Opera House. In fact, she never even sang opera again. She and Raoul lived a long happy life filled with shiny objects to amuse the both of them. She died just before Raoul did.

**A/N: Okay, one chapter left. :D I'm a little sad… I hate ending stories though it has to happen sometime. Please leave me a review! They make me happy!**


	14. OLD CAT FIGHT!

**A/N: 'Tis the last chapter… (sob!) I've had such a great time writing this story and glad that I had the chance to expand and grow in my writing. And I would love to thank all of my lovely reviewers for faithfully reading the story all this time and putting up with my writer's block and late updates. :D You guys are awesome! Now, on to the chapter. **

**And also, I know there's a great debate about whether or not it's Madam Giry or Meg in the auction house with Raoul. In this story it's Meg so… there. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera and after the second one comes out I don't think I'll want to. I could be wrong though. **

Narrator: And now we are back at the beginning of the story. Raoul is old again and has to be pushed in a wheelchair and is still leaving the Opera House after the auction.

**Raoul**: Must you push so hard down the stairs? (glares at the nurse) I could feel my fake teeth rattling!

_**Nurse**_: If you call me a Flying Nun again then… yes.

**Raoul**: (sticks tongue out)

_**Nun**_: (rolls eyes and walks off for no apparent reason)

_Meg_: What did you want that monkey for?

**Raoul**: (jumps) Good gracious… where in the hell did _you_ come from?

_Meg_It's a Giry thing… all us Giry women can do it after a certain age.

**Raoul**: Right… I almost forgot.

_Meg_: So?

**Raoul**: So…

_Meg:_ Are you going to answer my question?

**Raoul**: No.

_Meg_: What?! That's so incredibly rude!

**Raoul**: I'll only answer if you go on a date with me.

_Meg_: Aren't you supposed to be grieving Christine's death and remain faithful to her for the rest of your wrinkled life?

**Raoul**: Oh yeah…

_Meg_: (snort)

**Raoul:** But if I wasn't would you go out with me?

_Meg_: Only if Hell freezes over. And even then… no.

**Raoul**: It was worth a shot.

_Meg_: (is exasperated) Yes, and it's been 'worth a shot' for pretty much your entire existence!

**Raoul**: I can't help it you're hot. Or at least… you _were_ hot.

_Meg_: (expression grows dark) This conversation is SO over right now.

**Raoul**: So you don't like it when I compliment you but you don't want me to call you ugly either? Make up your mind woman!

_Meg_: (hits Raoul with her handbag. She was out of fish.) Leave! Now!

**Raoul:** (grabs head in pain) Fine! I'm going to Christine's grave… (motions Nurse to wheel him to the car which she does)

_Meg_: What a pig… what a useless, selfish, inconsiderate… (pause) Wait a minute. He never answered my question. (glares after Raoul's retreating car) He's good.

(Thirty minutes later)

_**Nurse**_: We're here _sir_. (goes to open door and help Raoul back into wheelchair) What are you in a wheel chair for anyway?

**Raoul**: (pointedly ignores Nurse's question) What? We're here _already_? Man… that must have been one heck of a nap I took.

_**Nurse**_: (_accidentally_ jabbed Raoul in the back while pulling him into wheelchair)

**Raoul**: OW!! (looks around for the source of pain)

_**Nurse**_: (rolls eyes) Just go see your wife's grave already and get it over with old man.

**Raoul**: FINE! No need to be so pushy! (wheels himself away and grumbles) I'm too old for this…

Narrator: Now, what really happens (even in the parody universe) is that Raoul stops in front of Christine's gravestone and stares lovingly and tearfully at it for about ten minutes. Then he happens to look down and sees that Christine's original engagement ring is sitting on the headstone and he looks around in confusion for The Phantom. Of course, no one is there and Raoul is left to wonder whether the Phantom could really live _that _long. The dude would have to be about a hundred years old!

But I thought that was kinda boring. This is what _should _have happened.

**Raoul**: Oh Christine… why did you have to dive after the shiny object? Why?! (begins to cry a little)

_**Nurse**_: Crybaby… (goes to sit in car and wait)

**Raoul**: (sniffle) I'm such an emo and depressed old man! (begins to cry harder)

_Mysterious Voice_: Are you crying again?

**Raoul**: Who's that?

_Mysterious Voice_: A mysterious voice. What did you think I was?

**Raoul**: I'm still not really sure…

_Mysterious Voice_: (sigh) Take a wild guess then.

**Raoul**: Are you Christine come back to visit me?

_Mysterious Voice_: How dare you think that Christine sounds like a man! This is very CLEARLY a man's voice.

**Raoul**: That's what YOU think. (eye roll) And apparently you never heard Christine after just waking up in the morning. My god she sounded just like a…

_Mysterious Voice_: I'm not listening! Lalalalalala!

**Raoul**: Childish much?

_Mysterious Voice_: I know you are but what am I?

**Raoul:** Oh come out you coward and face me! (wheels around in circles, looking for the mysterious voice)

_Mysterious Voice_: You insolent fool! I am right here! (an old and decrepit old man comes into view, scowling and leaning against his walker. He has a mask over half of his face)

**Raoul**: (gasp!) Who _are_ you?

_Phantom_: I am the… Phantom of the Opera! (swooshes cape feebly with a wild grin) And you are SO going down! (pauses to cough into a handkerchief)

**Raoul**: I don't believe it… (sees ring dangling from Phantom's neck) Is that Christine's old engagement ring?

_Phantom_: Why yes it is… she left it behind as a token of her love! You see, she really loved me all along and this ring proves it!!

**Raoul**: You liar!

_Phantom_: I know you are but what am I?

**Raoul**: Why you little… (starts to wheel forward fiercely)

_Phantom_: (chucks his big metal walker at Raoul)

**Raoul**: (wheelchair is blasted back from the impact and tips over) Ah! (falls to the ground)

_Phantom_: (limps over slowly to Raoul) I've got you no-

**Raoul**: (hooks cane around Phantom's ankle) Aha!

_Phantom_: (trips and falls) What the…?

**Raoul**: That's for nearly strangling me!

_Phantom_: (spits dentures at Raoul)

**Raoul**: GAH! (holds face where dentures had hit)

_Phantom_: Hats or aking istine! (Translation: That's for taking Christine!)

**Raoul**: My eyes are burning! When did you last _clean these?_

_Phantom_: Ahahahahahaha!

**Raoul**: (reaches out feebly with fist) Take that! (taps Phantom's mask and it falls off)

_Phantom_: Argh! (tries to find mask again but can't)

**Raoul**: Have you gone blind? (snigger)

_Phantom_: (whines, puts dentures back in) Not legally! (pouts) At least I'm not in a wheel chair!

**Raoul**: Touché. (pause) Why are you even still alive?

_Phantom_: I'm the Phantom… I live forever!

**Raoul: **Oh… (suddenly opens a bottle of pills and crams some down Phantom's throat) Take your medication you sicko!

_Phantom_: (gag) I need water to swallow my pills! (whips out mirror while still choking) Look at yourself you fop! You're _old!_

**Raoul**: (sees himself in mirror) AAAAHHH!!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!! (shields ugly face in wrinkled hands) Last time I saw myself I had to get shock therapy to erase the image!

_Phantom_: (cackles) Now you know what it feels like to be UGLY!!

**Raoul**: (sob) No I'm not! (tries to strike handsome pose but cracks neck loudly) Ow!!!

_Phantom_: You might need to see a doctor for that.

**Raoul**: _You_ might need to see a doctor for _this_! (takes ugly top hat and whacks Phantom in the face with it)

_Phantom_: Leave my poor mangled face alone!

_**Both**_: (continue to wrestle feebly in the dirt while shouting insults at each other)

_**Nurse**_: (away in the distance, clearly forgotten by Raoul and Phantom) Maybe I should break it up… they could seriously hurt themselves. (pause) Nah. (starts car and drives away in satisfaction) Maybe next time he won't call me a Flying Nun! Humph!

Narrator: As the nun drove away the two elderly folks were starting to get tired.

**Raoul**: I (gasp) haven't moved this much for (gasp) ten years!

_Phantom_: I haven't even been outside for… (gasp) forty! (gasp)

**Raoul**: I think I need to take a nap… (gasp)

_Phantom_: Me too… (eyes are drooping down)

**Raoul**: But when I wake up were are so… continuing this…

_Phantom_: Oh you know it!

**Raoul**: I'm taking you out!

_Phantom_: Your long girlish hair is mine!

**Raoul**: It's gonna be a smackdown, foo!

_Phantom_: You better enjoy your last nap!

_**Both**_(look at each other and then collapse fully on the ground, fast asleep) (snore)

Narrator: And then… wherever it was that Christine was watching them from…

_**Christine**_: (restored to her youthful image) Oh… what a lovely tribute to my memory! (sniff) Some people get a parade or a day of the year named after them. But no, I get two old men trying to fist fight. (huff) That shiny thing was SO worth it if they were gong to act like _that _in front of me! (storms away) (mutters) Stupid men…

Narrator: The end.

**Raoul**: (wakes up) Hey… where am I? What am I doing on the ground? Where's Christine?

_Phantom_: Oh just shut UP already… go back to sleep whoever you are. (begins to go back to sleep) Don't worry precious… the stupid fop will be quiet or we will make him quiet. Yes… we will make him…

**Raoul**: Who are you talking to?

_Phantom_: (to Raoul) No one… (to himself) Precious. (instantly falls back asleep)

**Raoul**: (shrug) Whatever. (goes back to sleep)

Narrator: Now it's really the end.

(Some random and weird Minnie Driver song that no one will remember tomorrow begins to play as the credits roll)

Narrator: Now… NOW it's the end.

**A/N: Sorry this one was so short but… I had a pretty short scene to work with. Hopefully this worked though… I would have loved to see an old man fight in the end. (cackles) Please leave me a review… for old times sake maybe?? Thanks! **


End file.
